floating | ✓

09| golden

“Yeah,” Oliver pulls back a little but doesn’t let go of me. “Let’s head back.”

“Already?” I ask.

“Yes,” Oliver says. Letting go of my hand, he checks his watch. “Lunchtime is over.”

“So?” I say.

“So we are going back to school.” Oliver tugs my hand and turns around.

“No,” I stay firm on the ground. “I am not going back.”

“Gwen,” Oliver says, “You wanted to come outside, you did. Lunchtime is over. We should go back if you don’t want to get in trouble.”

“I don't care,” I reply.

“I do,” Oliver says.

“Really? I don't think so,” I say.

Oliver closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Don’t mess around. Let’s go back to school.”

Oliver drags me with him. I shake off his hand. “You go back. I will stay here. I didn’t tell you to come here with me.”

I turn around. After the crash with Dean, I was barely holding myself together. I am not going back to school to make a mess of myself. I will hide out here and then I will go back home.

“You will stay here and miss your classes?” Oliver asks from behind me.

I snort.

“Are you the same girl who won the Mathalon and Science Olympiad three years in a row?” Oliver asks.

I blink in surprise. How does he know that?

“Gwen,” Oliver says.

“Go back, Oliver,” I say, my voice shaking.

Great. Now I am going to cry because of him, because he reminded me of a sore spot.

Yes, I am the same girl who won the Mathalon and Science Olympiad three years in a row. Yes, I am the same girl who was focused, had friends, had courage and the will to try, to succeed in anything she put her mind to. I am the same girl who made her parents and her brother proud, saw the lights in their eyes, shining because of her.

But then I also had me. Now I don’t.

I am standing on the edge. I have been standing on the edge for six months. I haven’t tripped yet, and I am not going to. I don’t have the courage to let myself fall completely. 

That is why I’m still holding on, trying, pushing, hoping that someday, someone will listen to my silent screams. Someday, I will be able to scream louder, so everyone can hear me. Right now, I don’t have the courage to do that either. 

My tears threaten to spill, but I won’t cry in front of Oliver. I will never let him see my weakness. I will never fall apart in front of him. I won’t allow myself to do that.

“Gwen, let’s go,” Oliver says again.

I shake my head. Can you cry underwater? I am about to find the answer to that question.

“Leave me alone, Oliver,” I say.

There must have been something in my voice, something that sounded final. Oliver realizes I am not going to go with him. I hear the wooden ramp squeak as he steps away. And then it is gone.

Oliver is gone.

I take a deep breath. I strip from my clothes and get in the water. The coolness of the water is a balm to my skin. My heart pounds as I swim around. I get to the middle of the lake and try to stay afloat. That is what I do best; stay afloat.