floating | ✓

08| words

“You are welcome although I don’t know why you thanked me. Good night,” Oliver hangs up the phone.

The next day, I am sitting with Oliver at lunchtime.

“It’s not working,” I say to Oliver, “It’s really really boring. It turns out if the girl character is me, she has nothing to do and the story ends up being really bland.”

“Why does the girl have to be you?” Oliver asks while reading this small book. I can’t see the title because he has wrapped it up in brown paper. I think it is the book he bought yesterday. 

“She can be anyone. She can be a superhero, she can be a criminal, she can be a ghost, anything.”

“Hmm,” Oliver has more ideas than me but I have other ideas too, “But I want to write about how I feel.”

“Then write about it. You have the freedom,” Oliver shrugs, still reading his book. Oliver wasn’t completely wrong. I want his attention and he isn’t giving me any.

“What is the book that you are reading?” it turns out he always has more interesting things to do other than hanging out with me. Today, it’s a book. Today, Jason is absent.

“Hmm, some book I am reading,” He says as he takes a sip of his coke and turns a page.

I pout, “Is this a smut book?”

The corner of Oliver’s lip curls. This is as close as I will see him smile, “You are really bad at guessing.”

“For all I know, you covered the front page,” I reason.

“It is an expensive book. I don’t want to ruin the cover page,” Oliver says.

“What is it?” I lean towards him. He leans back, “Did you buy it yesterday?”

“Yup, and it’s nothing of your interest,” Oliver replies, “Let me read.”

“How do you know? Also, I am sitting here alone. I need your attention,” I am a lonely girl with no dignity at all.

Oliver sighs, closes the book and turns to me, “You have my attention.”

“Thank you,” I say and that is all I say. Oliver is looking at me. I am the focal point of his attention. I am feeling nervous.

My throat dries up. My brain is empty. I have nothing to talk about. I need to talk about something. I blink. I am frozen.

You are stupid.

You are an idiot.

You are so boring.

The word echoes in my brain, over and over, over and over. I am sweating. I don’t have any topic to talk about. Why doesn’t Oliver say something? I gulp.

“Well?” Oliver says, “I thought you wanted to talk about something. What is it?”

Usually, I am around people who talk a lot. Sean, Doughty, Jolene, Jason, all of them, talk a lot. I don’t have to carry any conversation. I only have to reply. I don’t have to start any conversation.

Now, I am at the other end. I feel like I’m under this big pressure and I can’t talk. I can’t pick up an interesting topic that will intrigue him. 

Her words echo in my brain.

You are such a stupid.

You are boring.

You are boring.

I guess she helped me out by saying that to my face. I will never forget that. I had people telling me things. I call them tagline. I have taglines from each and every single of my ‘friends’.