The Beauty in Eternity

Chapter 87.

For the first time a thought flashes through my mind, that maybe I should stop. Elijah should be here by now. I turn my head and wait, beg for him to come—he always does. He stopped me. He has to again. I feel the pull towards the traffic below my unsure feet; I can't stop myself. This doesn't feel right, I should have been stopped by now.

A whisper in my ear makes me flinch, and almost lose my footing. It doesn't take long before I realise it wasn't a whisper at all, it was Steve. His voice playing in my head on a loop like it had been ever since I got the call. All I can hear is the words, telling me she's gone. Over and over. Suddenly it's accompanied by another, fighting for the spotlight in my mind. It's Mason, telling me goodbye. Only seconds later another voice fights it's way in—its my mom, she's off the wagon again. It's the feeling of losing everyone at once, all over again.

It doesn't take long before the auditory torture is accompanied by the images which belong to them. The sickening ring of my phone seconds before my life falls apart, the room becoming smaller as I fall to my knees. The coffin being lowered to the ground as I scream. Mason's hand slipping from mine. My mother in a puddle of her own urine, blackout drunk. I start to cry again, and all I feel is loneliness.

No matter how many times they tell me I'm not alone, I can't believe them. Because I feel alone.

No matter how 'lonely' I had been in the past, I was never truly alone—not with Carol. It wasn't until I lost her, that I realised I hadn't ever felt true loneliness before. I had never been so completely and utterly alone. And now, in my darkest place, not even Elijah is here to stop me. And I don't have the strength to stop myself.

I accept it. That I am alone. No matter how many people surround me, I am alone.
I am alone in my own mind, my only company the very thoughts that assure me of my inevitable darkness. And with that, I step forward.

~

I shoot up to the sound of my phone ringing, my whole body convulsing in panic and terror. My clothes cling to me with sweat as my shaky hands try to find my phone amongst the covers. I feel sick, terrified, devastated.

I answer the call without a word, my mouth unable to construct a simple 'hello.'
"I can't sleep, and Jake is with that blonde—Angel. So, I thought I'd call my other friend." Mason says down the line, a sarcastic tone to his voice as he strings the word 'friend'.

I cover my mouth and try to calm down before I speak, my breathing too erratic for me to form a sentence without embarrassing myself. I really don't want to embarrass myself.

"Amara?"

"Yes, sorry—" I say, out of breath and desperately trying to hold back my tears.

He pauses. "What happened? Are you okay?" his voice is full of worry.

I breathe out and wipe my eyes, before bringing the phone back to my ear. "I'm fine." I tell him.

"Don't lie to me."

I squeeze my eyes closed. "I just- I have nightmares, sometimes, I haven't had one in a while but I—" my breath catches in my throat and I internally scold myself for being so pathetic. "I just- it's fine, you woke me out of it."

"Do you want me to come over?" he asks, his voice is low.

I pause before I answer, trying to speak in between cries to avoid any further awkwardness. "No," I cover my mouth and clear my throat. "I'll be fine, okay? It's not my first rodeo. I have to go."

With that I end the call. I hadn't planned on telling Mason about my nightmares anytime soon, possibly ever—there goes that idea. I grab some water from the kitchen and lean over the counter, I feel sick to my stomach.