The Beauty in Eternity

Chapter 65.

As my body sways on the ledge of the building, I feel the first sense of relief in days. A sense of numbness falls over me, wrapping me in it's conflicting arms—is this what it would be like to finally free myself of the pain?

I look up into the night sky; my balance wavering for a second. The stars in the sky bring a sadness over me that I can't explain. How can something so beautiful, cause me to feel so alone?

I reminisce on how it felt to watch the stars with Carol, how free I would feel—how I would stare in awe as her kind arms encased me in her loving embrace.
I clutch my chest with my free hand as the tears fall from my eyes, the other still secured around the bottle by my side. How I wish they were here to watch the stars with me—to point to the sky and smile with admiration at the beautiful blinking lights.

I couldn't break my gaze from the darkness of the pitch black curtain draped over the sky; the distorted, twisted and warped shapes the stars seemed to make through my clouded vision. I miss when it once had the power to make my worries dissolve at my feet, my fears and my pain would seem minuscule amongst the open sky and the millions of speckles that consumed it. Something so breath taking, so beautifully mysterious; and now all I see—is loneliness.

As I stand here, my body swaying above the empty streets—I'm alone.

I shake as my body starts to convulse, the pain hits me once more like an explosion, everybody I had, everybody I loved is gone, and I am alone. Once more.

I can't eat and I can't sleep. I can't think, and I can't breathe—I love them too much. Every second of every day is filled with pain and I can't forget that they aren't here, not for a second. I can't stop the pain from overwhelming my body and mind, I can't stop the constant and unbearable aching in my bones. I can't stop the screams that escape my lips and the tears that fill my eyes when I try to exist in a world without them. And they aren't here to tell me that it's going to be okay, because it simply—will never be okay again.

It's time to take control of it, it's time for the pain to stop.

"Amara, please, no!" a voice from behind startles me, I almost lose my footing.

"Amara!" he yells once more, sheer terror in his voice.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, the deadly silence of the night sky making it just quiet enough for him to hear.

"Amara, come down—talk to me," he stutters, "Please, I can help you."

I almost laugh through my tears, how ignorant it is for everyone to think they can take the pain away. Only he can take the pain away, only she can help—and neither of them are here. I'm alone.

"Amara," he chokes breathlessly.

"Please."

My eyes jolt open to the nauseating sound of my alarm. I sit upright in panic and look around the room, my whole body shaking with fear. My pillow is soaked with tears and my pyjamas are clinging to my skin; I close my eyes, trying to breathe it away, telling myself that it was simply a nightmare.

My first night sleeping alone resulted in a nightmare which I couldn't be awoken from, because there was nobody to wake me. My body is tense and my chest is heavy with the emotions from the dream—diving in deeper, and living in it longer without being woken up. After telling myself my fear of sleeping alone was irrational, maybe it wasn't.

I climb out of bed and pad to the bathroom, turning on the shower. The warm water on my hand as I test the temperature calms me, assuring me that I'm grounded. As I step inside I relish in the warmth and the serenity of the water cascading down my body, it soothes me enough to almost push my nightmare to the back of my head.