Adopted by Dear Evan Hansen: Could we go on For Forever?

I Don't Have to Look at It

**Laura's POV**

The first thing I heard was mumbling. From my bedroom, I could hear Ryder's voice saying, 

"Mom? Dad? No! No! Why? No, please, no! Stop! Please! I don't want to! Please..."

I slid out of bed and ran down the hall and to the side of Ryder's bed. I tried to wake her up, but in her unconscious panic, her leg came from under the blanket and pushed me off the bed. She rolled over and said, "I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me! I'm sorry" over and over again.

"Ryder," I climbed back onto the bed and sat beside her, "Ryder, wake up, come on."

Ryder shot up, wide awake, her eyes large, and her chest heaving.

"Hey," I scooted closer to her and put my hand on her shoulder, pushing her gently back down, "It's alright. Hey, I'm right here," I lay down beside her and put my hand on her chest, only to feel her heart running at almost an inhuman speed, "It's okay. You're okay. I'm right here."

Panting, Ryder put her hand on mine. She looked at me with terrified green eyes, then she locked onto something. She'd found the large red spot on my upper arm from where she kicked me. Almost instantly, she scrambled out of the bed backward and pushed herself up into a corner, basically hugging the wall.

"I'm, I'm sorry," she mumbled, shaking her head, "I'm so sorry."

I got down onto the floor with Ryder and held up my hands, "It's okay, sweetheart, it's okay." When I moved closer, Ryder pressed herself further into the wall.

"No!" She hugged her legs tighter, "No, please, stay away. I, I hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me, Ryder," I promised.

"I see, I see the mark," Ryder leaned her head against the wall, "Please don't, don't come close." She looked up and I saw the fear and regret in her eyes, "I, I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't," I assured her, taking another step toward her, "I know you won't hurt me."

Between ragged, sharp breaths, Ryder asked, "How?"

My heart sunk at the way she was pressed up against the wall, eyes wide, making her look like a scared animal. I pushed the thought away and sat down on the floor right by her, "Because I know you, Ryder," I reached out and put a hand on her knee. She flinched but didn't pull away. I scooted closer and touched her shoulder, "I know that you would never hurt me on purpose, so I know that I can trust you."

"You shouldn't," Ryder whispered, "You shouldn't trust me. I'm not a good person."

"Oh, Ryder," I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a non-negotiable embrace, "I don't believe that. I believe that you are a good person, it's life that made you thank that you aren't." I lifted Ryder into my lap and held her tight, feeling a sense of accomplishment when her shoulders relaxed and she melted into the hug. "There you go," I rubbed her back, "Just relax, okay... shh, you'll be alright, no one can hurt you now."

"It was so real," Ryder whispered, burying her face in my shoulder, "They were there - right there."

While I was curious about who "they" were, this didn't feel like the right time to ask so, I put my hand under her chin and drew her face up slowly, "Rye, just look at me, okay? Hey, look at me - breathe."

I made an obvious effort to make my breathing visible and had Ryder mimic the pattern. Before too long, she'd calmed down.

"I'm sorry you had a nightmare," I moved her to the bed.

Ryder blinked, but I could still see the shadow in her eyes, "What nightmare?"

"Ryder..." I tipped my head and she sighed, looking down at the quilt, "Don't be like that."

"You're right," she rolled her shoulders, "I'm, I'm sorry. That's just," she broke off to release a deep breath, "That's just how I've always dealt with them - just pretending it's not there."

I lay down on Ryder's bed and pulled her down with me, hugging her against my chest. "That's not healthy, Ryder," I told her, "You shouldn't do that."

Ryder tucked her head under my chin, "I know," she mumbled, "It's just that I never had anyone who cared enough."

"You have a village of people who care now, Ryder," I kissed the top of her head, "Never forget that."

Ryder looked up at me with a small, teary smile, "I won't."

Happy Father's Day to any father-figures in your lives!

                          -Spaceheater1