I have made it so far from what was
I was abused for the first 17 years of my life, and I'm only 20
I have hated myself, my body, and my parents
Hell, I still hate those things, but I especially hate my parents
I have struggled with both my sexuality and gender
I have suffered from chronic physical and mental illness
I have struggled with addiction
I have felt pain my entire life
I have attempted suicide multiple times
I have been desperately trying to survive through it all
Yet at the end of it all I have never truly thought I would make it this far
And because of that I have never sought a future for myself
I have been abused most of my life
My parents unendingly beating me and my younger siblings
I myself as the eldest faced the worst of it
This was both a blessing and a blade as it meant my siblings didn't get it worse
Yet it meant my pain was much worse
The worst of it was before I was even 6 my parents themselves have admitted to that
I can't remember much at all from before I was 7
What little memories I do have started happy but then it always ended terribly
I would see my happy self doing what little kids do
And then I remember getting hit and the rest goes black
My parents started out terribly when they started raising me and my siblings
This was because they started a family so soon after going through abuse themselves
They didn't take any time to work through their pain before having me
And as such they reflected their pain onto me
So many times did CPS stop by because of the bruises and school interference
But even then we believed this was just how it was supposed to be
We still loved our parents regardless because they treated us really good at times
Me and my siblings love each other and because of that our parents always told us that if we said anything we would be taken away and we would never see each other again
Because of how much they ingrained that in our heads and how much I love my siblings
When I had finally realized just how bad things were I just couldn't call CPS
This was because I felt it was safer for us to deal with the pain rather than risk it in the system
So things continued and we felt we could never stop it
My parents got better with time at least
After my mom realized just how bad things were she tried a little bit as time went on
But my dad didn't really start stopping until after his dad died
Having finally realized relief from their pain they slowly stopped hitting us as much
Though they have slowly stopped they continually tell us and especially me that "It wasn't that bad."
I know that they might believe that but it is ingrained into my very being
I have PTSD because of them and my panic attacks still come and haunt me
But there was good to be gained from my pain
I didn't become like them reflecting all my pain on others
Unlike them I felt my pain and said "I will never let anyone feel pain like I have."
I have become as much a loving and kind person I can be
If ever I am able to adopt I will raise my kids with love, kindness, and respect
I do my best to help others when I can
I talk about my past with my therapist even though it hurts and has triggered panic attacks
I'm doing as best I can to heal even though it my take years to get very far
I will never forget what has been done to me and I will never truly forgive my parents for what they did
I use my pain to help me better myself and better help others
I have suffered from mental and physical illness my entire life
And I've struggled with addiction for the past two years
I have been paralyzed by joint pain and migraines
It makes working difficult and working out even more so
I have been depressed, manic, anxious, paranoid, and psychotic
My addiction has controlled me
Even though I was trying so desperately to control what I did and what happened to me
By drinking, smoking and popping pills I was simply killing myself a little faster
I was trying to hide my pain and trauma behind the haze of a high or a drink
I have hurt myself and attempted suicide so many times because of my pain
I still bear the scars from all I've done to myself
And yet here I am better than ever before
I only recently got properly diagnosed
Believe me it's a lot of different things
Some of them compounding some of the symptoms of the others
It's like a combo multiplier of insanity and pain
After years of suffering from them, I finally sought help
I got into therapy
I got on to proper meds
I went into a recovery program
I talked to my friends and family
I worked things out as time passed
It's taken a long time to work through things and find the right meds
And I'm still working on my problems
But at the end of it I've gotten better
I found people that have helped me through so many things
I am forever grateful for their help
And I am forever grateful for their love
I am very lucky to have gotten help from so many
I have faced my pain, fears, addiction, and abuse
And from it I have gotten stronger, happier, and found my love for myself and others
I have known I was bisexual since I was little even as early as 6
I truly knew once I started to be interested in others
Yet I had learned since elementary school that homosexuality was wrong
I didn't quite understand at the time but it stuck with me for years
When I first really realized my sexuality I couldn't help but deny it
I tried so hard to be straight and keep up the lie
But I couldn't get rid of something that was as much a part of me as my arm
So I went on unable to accept it and unable to talk about it
I turned to online forums and apps and I found acceptance there
Yet I still couldn't accept it for my self
At 15 I was forcibly outed to my parents
My father went on about it being unnatural and just a phase
But that didn't hurt as much as my mother refusing to talk to me
My parents have become more accepting as time has passed
My mother is now my biggest supporter and my father at least tries
Now I have found that my bisexuality is not only a good thing, but something to celebrate
I have found that I shouldn't be scared of it
Of what it means to be that way
I have feared judgement, abuse, and death because of how people see sexuality
It may have taken 16 years to really be sure of myself and long after that to truly accept it
But I'm glad I am because it helps me to help those like me
If I had continued to deny it I probably would have ended up hurting those like me
It has taken me years and a million tears but I finally found myself
I knew I had been trans since I first learned about it
I was 14 and I had been suffering since 11 when puberty had started
But I just brushed it off and just said I was genderfluid
I never could really think about my gender much
Because for so long I had been told by others who I was supposed to be
I internalized what I was told and forced myself to be the person they expected
Yet I still knew deep down that I was trans
It took me til I was 18 to really think it through
To really discover who I was and what it all meant
I was nearly 19 when I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria among other things
And two months later shortly after my birthday I started hormones
I was happier than I had ever been
I'd finally started on my path to becoming who I truly was
I have now been on hormones for over a year
I have never been happier with my body
My parents may not ever truly accept me as I am but I will not change
I may fear for my safety at times, but I will not compromise my happiness because of others hate
Because of these things I have reached a place far from where I started
I have a future to look forward to now
A future with limitless possibilities
I was abused for the first 17 years of my life, and I'm only 20
I have hated myself, my body, and my parents
Hell, I still hate those things, but I especially hate my parents
I have struggled with both my sexuality and gender
I have suffered from chronic physical and mental illness
I have struggled with addiction
I have felt pain my entire life
I have attempted suicide multiple times
I have been desperately trying to survive through it all
Yet here I am
Free at last
I may be haunted forever by my past
I may be ill for the rest of my life
I may be one trigger away from relapse
I may struggle with my sexuality and gender for the rest of my life
I may even face persecution because of who I am and who I love
But I will never let it stop me anymore
I look to my future with open arms
I have hope despite all I've been through
I will make my future mine own and not anybody else's
I sit here writing this not just because I need to get it out
I sit here writing this so that I might help those like me
So that I might be a bit of hope for those that struggle with the same or similar problems
If you need help seek it
Without it things may only become worse
So if you need help seek therapy
Confide in your trusted friends and family
Talk to your doctor
Get proper medication if needed
But please seek help
It truly does get better
It may take longer than for me
It may be something long resolved
It may be something that feels absolutely impossible
But believe me and the many others who have made it this far
It does get better
If you ever need anything
Words of encouragement
Advice on anything
A new friend
Or just someone to talk to
I am here for you
I can be contacted in the following ways:
Phone::1(404)641-4405
Instagram: illustrious_end
Email: kassyanthuin@gmail.com
