Always Love

Chapter 19: A Clown That Drives A Bumper Car

Emma

"You don't care? So if I told you that I spent every single day of last week with another man, you also wouldn't care?" I sob and wipe away my tears.

"Em... I didn't mean it like this. But I am not in the position to tell you which things you are allowed to do. If you wanna hang out with a different man each day, I won't keep you from doing it." I don't buy that, your mouth says something like this, but your heart means definitely something different.

"You can't be serious right now."

"Let's don't fight. The past few months have been so great," he starts, but I interrupt him immediately. "Probably because I was too afraid to say something to you. Because if I had dared to say something, you would have taken your stuff and run away to Paris, Oxford or Brazil."

"I don't run away."

"You do, Noah. You have been running away for the past three years. And even if you have never opened up to me about your childhood, I somehow understand why you are acting the way you do right now. I understand because I was in your shoes after my accident. I pushed everyone away and I thought that I didn't need one single person in my life. But this was bullshit. I started feeling better as soon as I let me feel something again. And believe me, feeling all this physical and mental pain almost killed me. However, I did not only feel pain, but also endless love for my family, friends and YOU. And this vast love for you made my broken soul whole again." Noah is standing in front of me. He doesn't say a word and is looking away from me. His hair is still wet and he looks like a badly injured baby deer.

"But you have been wearing a mask for the past years. A mask that grins and lies ... even if your heart is bleeding and torn, you smile." I cite one of Noah's favorite poems, well I changed it a bit, but he definitely got the point since he is looking me straight into my eyes now. So I continue. "This is not you, Noah. You love teaching at Yale. You like living in a huge house with a huge library. You like having a woman in your life who can count until three. You like trolling around with the children from the orphanage and .... you like spending time with your family and friends."

"Stop it." Never. I kept quiet for too long. It's high time that I opened my mouth.

"I love you Noah. You are the love of my life and I can ensure you that this will never change. I won't let go unless you specifically ask me to do so. And ... I want to help you. This is why I am begging you right now to stop torturing yourself and stay. Please stay with me. It will get better if you stop running away from your problems and feelings." He has clearly lost his way, but I won't stop fighting for us. I try to approach him very slowly, but he puts up his hands and shows me with this gesture to stay away from him.

"This Vegas thing was a huge mistake. Why does everyone believe that he has the right to meddle in my life? My life is a freaking clown that drives a bumper car right now. I try very hard to not cause any further harm and this is how I handle everything. This is how everything works for me. This makes me ... happy and gives me peace."

"No I am sorry Noah, but this doesn't give you peace. You haven't found peace in Paris or Oxford. And you won't find it in Brazil or Spain either. You have to face your demons here in Connecticut and I wanna help you." I try to take his hands, but he pushes me away ... again.

"You know what's really funny Emma? I can say whatever I want to you, but you will always find someone or something else to blame. That's weird."

"You want me to blame you? Okay. You let this piece of shit get away for what he did to me .. but I forgave you. You lied to me and I believed you, but I forgave you ...again. You don't care about me or anyone's feelings and I defend you AGAIN and AGAIN. And why? I simply can't stop keeping up with your shit, because I love you!" All of this came out in a scream and my tears are back.

"Then stop! Stop loving me!" Noah screams back.

"I CAN'T." We are both looking at each other in shock; none of us says anything for a while. These silent minutes feel like forever. We are both out of breath and I guess we are just so sick and tired of all of this drama. Love doesn't have to be this hard.

"Well that's the problem. No matter how we do it, we don't work, Emma. It seems like I will always love you at the wrong time. We are toxic."

"I know." We are like magnets; we keep attracting each other. However, we are indeed toxic for each other.

"Then we agree. This has to end once and for all."

"I guess it just did. We are over." It's for the best. It will kill me if I keep holding on to him. He won't accept any help.

"So I specifically ask you to ... let us go."

Leaving my love behind - Lewis Capaldi

Already gone - Sleeping at last