Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)

Second Person, Twenty-Six

Second Person, Twenty-Six

You ask her why. She answers you. You talk about it more.

You ask Meredith Grey why she almost kissed you and her reasons are about the same as what you thought they might have been.

Meredith says that 'as a friend she loves you, and she wants the first time you kiss a woman for it to be someone who really loves you' and that's why she offered to kiss you that time in the bathroom.

You think about this for a second, and you realize this is the first time she's said to you she loves you, even just as a friend.

And you don't hesitate to say it back. You tell Meredith Grey, that "as a friend, I love you, too," and this seems to melt her heart a little, but again, just as your friend.

You ask if she would still kiss you. For the reasons that she mentioned. She says she still would, but only if you ever want her to, of course.

And then you ask if she would have asked you that the last time and she says she was about to.

You're relieved she said right away she would not have kissed you without asking your permission first.

Meredith seems to sense your relief and she promises she was only about to press your foreheads together before talking.

You imagine the talking now. Foreheads touching. Whispers in the air.

You think that it would feel nice. Really nice to be that close to Meredith. And even nicer for Meredith to kiss you.

But you don't want to kiss her now. Not only because the moment is over. But because you've thought about it more.

You want Meredith to be better than you. She's already stronger than you are. You want her to be happy with Derek, and not be a cheater again, ever, not even for one friendship kiss with you so you can be kissed for the first time by a girl who loves you - even if that means you never get to kiss her, at all, and ever.

You don't want to take that intimacy from Meredith, not if it takes even a tiny piece away from her. You know she might get something out of kissing you, too, but you would be using her more than the other way around.

And you know that's how you felt when Mark gave sex to you. That you were taking something away from him and he was taking something away from you.

And you know you felt dirty and raw afterward and you imagine that he did, too, even if he asked you for it first.

And you never, ever want to feel that way about Meredith, or for Meredith to feel that way for you.

So you say 'no' to Meredith, about the kissing, (the kissing with her, like this, while she is still with Derek). You say you don't feel up to it today, and you don't have to explain why to her at all...

Because she lays a gentle hand on your lips before you can start to justify it. And she just smiles and understands and says "of course, Addie, as I said, I only would if you fully wanted me to..."

You don't know when she started calling you that, but you never want her to ever stop.

You say "thanks, Mer, for understanding. And also for being willing to kiss me as a friend. The fact that you would seriously offer, is far more than enough for me, from you..."

Meredith smiles are you smile back even brighter. You don't know if it's at your nickname for her or your other words. You don't care; It's wonderful to make her smile, and just being there next to her so close.