failures IIII » kpop ✓

zero

❝ don't be afraid,

just wanna tell you hi ❞

LONELY IN SEOUL

⇣

I knew of a girl who wanted to become an idol. Once. But it was cold in the boiling spotlight and the last thing that she got to know before her dream got killed, was just how cruel people can be.

I will listen to your mean comments, okay? I will give up on my dream and I will disappear. But even though my world might burn down to ashes, yours will still stay the same. Tomorrow, you will wake up, go online, find out that I'm gone and you will still be unhappy.

Once the girl passed her sixth audition, she really thought that her dreams were finally going to come true. By the time she realised how she walked straight into a nightmare, it was already too late to save her.

'' After she celebrated her sixth year as a trainee, still with no clear debut date in sight and her friends leaving her one after another - all finally stepping on that damned stage and picking up the microphone that she so desperately longed for, she slowly began to realise what her sister meant one time when she told her how despite having a talent for singing, she loved herself too much to try and become an idol. ''

Sunrays were pouring through the window blinds behind me and throwing a faint light on the boy that was sitting by my side and anxiously tapping his foot against the ground. His messy blonde curls were hidden under the hood of a baggy black jacket and even if he was still doing juvenile things like drinking from a pouch of Capri Sun orange juice, his exhausted eyes and presence in the waiting room outside of a psychiatrist's office, clearly showed how this industry didn't care about his young age and kept putting heavy burdens on his shoulders.

I wonder, will he become another one of those that will crumble under the pressure?

The young idol just uploaded a new photo on his group's Instagram, he was repeatedly refreshing the page and watching the likes and comments as they went up, so I wasn't sure if he even heard everything that I said, but it was better this way. I wasn't really searching for a friend or a shoulder to cry on - just someone that would sit still and listen. That was all that I wanted. There was a lot on my mind lately and I wanted to confide in a complete stranger that would soon forget my name, my face, my story and let me disappear back into the crowded streets of Seoul, without any ties that would bind me back to him.

'' What's your friend's name? ''

'' My who? '' For a moment, I forgot that I was talking about myself in the third person again. It happened sometimes, as a defense mechanism when I wanted to discuss something risky, but not explicitly state that I was describing my own experience. It was always the same type of lie, spoken with the same false smile: One time, my friend did this. Another time, my mother said that. Some other time, my distant cousin's best friend's daughter survived that. '' Oh. Right. I... I can't remember her name. ''

Curly raised his gaze from his phone and looked at me for the first time. '' You can't remember your own friend's name? Well, then... Can I get your phone number? In case the name will come back to you? I'd love to talk to her. I trained for seven years myself and even though I managed to debut in the end, I feel like her and I would understand each other. ''

'' My phone number? No. Let me give you some actually useful advice instead. Find a different psychiatrist. The bastard that works here, won't fix any of your problems. He has too many of his own. Trust me - I'd know. ''

Before he could ask me how I knew that, the psychiatrist himself, opened the door of his office and peered into the waiting room. His eyes shined when he saw me sitting next to the young patient that was one hour early to his first meeting. '' Sweetheart, you're here! ''

'' My darling! '' I happily called in response, twirled across the waiting room and landed in the man's embrace. His hungry fingers caressed my arms and I could almost feel myself melting under his touch - slowly turning from a human, into a puddle of ugly brown filth.

'' Good luck with your comeback! I'm sure that you and your group will do great, even if there's just eight of you now! '' I always thought that my happiness was out there, waiting for me on an empty stage and in the comfort of a microphone, but when I looked at people like this idol, who was standing on a crossroad - one step away from a collapse, two steps away from a miraculous success - I wondered if perhaps contentment was even more elusive than I made it out to be.

I was looking over the psychiatrist's shoulder and holding eye contact with the young idol until the door slowly closed after us and we were left alone in his unventilated office.

'' Are you afraid? Is this your first time with a man like me? Do you not want to do this? '' the man asked, but he didn't really want to know my answer. I couldn't tell him the truth anyway and he was already pulling down the straps of the dress that I wore to become the perfect doll of his dreams.

My agency told me that this is who I'll have to be for the rest of this week, before I'll fill my empty shell with a different type of floral perfume, sparkly eye shadow, high heels and move on to fulfilling someone else's fantasy.

I used to know who I was, before the real me wandered away and got a bit lost, while I was busy trying to become who they wanted me to be instead. But it was my own fault. I signed the contract and my life belonged to them now - the shareholders, the producers with no faces, the ruthless managers, the senior idols that regained some of their power. It always will.

I wanted to believe that perhaps time would become my medicine, but deep down, I always knew that after those ten years will pass and the contract will finally lose its power, they will already peel away all the layers of my sanity and take everything that was worth taking.