The reason why.

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

Mentally suffering,

Mentally suffering is different than mentally pain. Mentally pain is a burning feeling going through out your whole body, that makes you cry, that makes you scream in pain. But mentally suffering is something that can destroy people, make them going crazy and beg their bodies to stop. Mentally suffering is the agony of it constantly being inside your whole head and body, taking every ounce of anything you have left and turns it into something that destroys you. It stays inside your head feeding you thoughts, slowly pushing you into craziness, until there is nothing left to feel, until you're numb to everything, then you have to deal with being an shell of your old self. 

Everyone has a puddle, a puddle of pain, suffering, sadness, grief , anything. The more sad you get the bigger the puddle. Suffering takes that puddle and just adds an ounce of  suffering in it and boom! Now it's a pool, then Boom! Ocean. Everybody as their tether, something to pull them in to make sure they don't drown.But some times tethers break, leaving you alone and letting the ocean push you under. 

It tries to take everything you have left, everything that keeps you going, your love, your hope, happiness, it takes your motivation and crushes it. And takes your hope and rips it apart in your face, watching everything you had left, everything you relied on you get you out, gets wash down the drain, and knowing you have nothing left, knowing that you're numb, that everything that made you human was taken from you, it does something to you. It leaves only the bad stuff, the stuff the pushes you in, and it leaves you this burning pain to feel something, anything. It strips your humanity from you, it takes the thing that made you human, and rips it out of your body and leaves nothing but an absence, a feeling like there should be something there but there isn't. 

Then the blackness starts to set in, filling up your body with coldness. After awhile it starts to attack your brain, then soon you don't even realize that there use to be something, there use to be that feeling of some that's missing. You just get so use to coldness and empty feeling in your body, you don't realize the light that was sucked out of you. And leaves you alone with this cold feeling. Took my fire and poured water on it until it was burnt.

I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to feel again, I want my light back. Want to be able to laugh and smile, move one from everything. You need to understand that I need my peace and I don't want to hurt you, this isn't meant to hurt you, or anyone. It's finally something for me, I've been so caught up in my brothers forgiving me and me trying to get them to feel better but I didn't take time to make sure that I was still tethered to something, but when I looked back for a moment I realized I was getting pushed away from the ground and going deeper. 

you shut me out,

you ignored me, 

left me all by myself, and you let them do that to me, you let them, allow them to make the suffering worst. You promised to love me no matter what, to make sure I was always happy, to make sure that I was still me.

But you broke that promise, and this is all I have left, this is taking all of me to do this so please, Please let me. Let me move on, let me be happy again. If you ever loved me you will let me because I need to be happy again, I need to love again, I need my light back, and my fire. So I'm begging you leave me, until I'm ready to come back, or you're ready to love me and be a family again. I do love you, I promise and I won't break it.

I'm sorry

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So this chapter was the last of the letters! The next update is the first actual chapter and her leaving and the reactions. I don't know about you but I'm excited!

-----H