The reason why.

Dear Caleb,

Dear Caleb,

Life is like water, 

You either float to the top or you sink to the bottom. I'm on my way to the bottom, I have been since that day but I'm drowning in the process. Trying to swim to the top, trying to be enough for you guys to reach down and pull me up.

 But I'm not strong enough, I'm so weak,so tired of trying to be strong. Tired of waking up screaming, tired of feeling so worthless. I know I killed her but it was an accident. And I've been screaming at you trying to make you see I'm sinking deeper and I need my brother. But the thing is as much as I need you, you don't need me. you will forever see me as the person who ruined this family, the person who killed your mother, and I feel the same, I know it's my fault, but you have to hear the whole story, you have to understand that it was an accident. 

I've tried to talk  to you, but every time you shut me out, you close the door in my face, close your eyes and block your ears. I've tried so hard. And I was so focused on trying to get you to understand I didn't realize as you were floating up, I was sinking deeper, and that we were getting pulled apart from each other. Neither one of us trying to get to other. Disappearing from each others lives.

The deeper I went I started to understand, at first didn't believe it was my fault, that it was just an accident and I wasn't the caused. That she just decided to leave. But the more time I spent with my thoughts the more I realized it was me. It was me calling her crying that morning, it was me that wanted to go to the mall, it was me that wanted to go into the store, and it was because of my bad night that I needed cheering up so we went to the stupid mall into that stupid store. And I'm so sorry, I tired so safe her. But when she fell to the ground I tired my best to get to her but the held me back. I watched her chest go up and down until her chest started to go slower and slower until there was no more, until there was no more life. 

I try my best to forget about it, I try to forget watching her take her last breath I try to forget the pain in her voice when she told me she loved me. I tried so hard to get it out of my head, to just move on from it. But it's not going away, and I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of trying to get you to believe me, tired of waking up screaming, tired of drowning, But no one is willing to save me instead watching me fall, watching my down fall as I fall apart.

You guys were my family, you were suppose to be my saving grace but instead you pushed me in deeper. You were my big brother, you promised to protect me, to love me, to make sure no one hurt me but at the end of the day it was you. It was you who broke me, you hurt me so bad it's on repair, you hated me with everyone else when you were suppose to love me. It wasn't the death of mom that pushed me over the edge, it was you. 

You promised to love me unconditionally

but you broke that promise in half. And all the other promises you promised me

So I'm leaving, leaving you, Noah, Owen, dad, I'm leaving everything because you are my down fall, you are the unmatching piece to my broken puzzle, the anchor that pulling me down. you and my memories of our once perfect family.

I'm begging you with my full heart, with all I have don't come after me unless you are ready to move on, ready to love me, ready to save me, ready to pull me up when I start to sink because if you aren't and is going back to hating me my heart won't be able to handle it, it would break me all over again, So please come after me and love me or leave me and go back to your life.

I'm sorry.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My lord! This was sad or at least was hard for me to write but I also had fun. So it gave us a little on what happened between her and her family. But ope you guys enjoyed I had fun writing it.

--------H