The reason why.

Dear Mom,

Dear mom,

Silence

Silence has been floating in my head for 4 long years. Floating around the house, sitting, waiting, daring us to break it but no one ever does, slowly killing us. Letting our minds take control, pulling us more into the silence waiting for us to snap and give up.

It's been 4 years, 4 long years without you. And it's slowly driving me crazy, driving me into this pit of sadness, darkness, silence, and nobody is trying to save me. Letting me sink deeper and deeper into the pit, watching me, hearing my cries for help, my screams for them to save me. But they're walking away leaving me alone, in my own pain, my own sadness.

It's been horrible without you, without your sweet scent, without your soft voice, without your hugs, without your awful dancing in the car, without the nicknames, without your everything. I'm drowning in the memories, everywhere I look something of you is staring me in the face, taunting me, pushing me into the pit, slowly watching me drown myself in my own head. 

My thoughts are killing me, dragging me into my head. My thoughts are mean, they tell me it was my fault, it was my fault that you aren't here, that I'm without a mother, that Noah, Caleb, and Owen are without a mother, that dad's without his wife, that your parents are without their daughter, that auntie is with her baby sister. That it's all my fault, it's drowning me, leaving me gasping for air. 

I'm so close to them, I can touch them but they're so distant, like they're miles away leaving me stranded without them. 

I'll wake up in the middle of the night screaming your name, longing for you touch, longing for you to comfort me, telling me it's okay. But it's not okay! you aren't here. I'm so mad at you, but it wasn't your fault. But you left me in this cruel, cruel world without my superhero, without my best friend. you weren't suppose to leave so soon, who's gonna help me with my prom dress and help me get ready, who is gonna comfort me in my first heart-break, or let me gush about my first love, who's gonna go wedding dress shopping with me, who's gonna give me a pep talk when I get cold feet. That was suppose to be you, you were suppose to be here for me. but you left too early, you left me by myself when you knew they were gonna shut me out. And it was all because of me.

My head will tease me, in my dreams it will let me touch you, talk to you, smell you, and just after I hug you and tell you i love you, it rips me out, leaving me alone and your smell still lingering in my nose, your touch is dancing across my skin, you voice still ringing in my ear, and reminding how much I've lost. 

And that's why I need to disappear, I need to leave where nobody knows me, where I can escape you and my memories. I can't keep doing this, I'm going crazy everything reminds me of you, and it's killing me. I'm constantly lying in my own pain and sadness. Nobody realizes that I'm struggling they ask, I answer I'm fine with a smile and they take it not bothering to dig deeper into what I'm trying to say. I need to move on and I can't in this town, I can't with everything around me telling  me how miserable I am. I just need to leave, so I am.

I've been screaming for help, crying for anyone to listen that I'm not okay, but I stay silent. Silence is the deadliest the thing, it destroys people from the inside out. And slowly kills them until there is nothing left.

You promised to never leave me,

but you broke that promise.

I'm sorry.

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Wow, this took a lot to write. It's not the longest thing ever but I feels it shows how Gracie feels and a little insight on her brothers and family. I feel this is every powerful even if it's the first chapter, it shows how broken Gracie really is but doesn't show it.

If anyone ever feels the need to talk or just someone to listen you can always talk to me. And I know all the celebrities are like " I'm here for you, and we love you" and to me that's total bullshit, I'm sorry but they don't know what's happening in your life and sometimes things won't end up okay, and when you try to talk to them they excuse you off, but I promise I will respond and maybe the thing you want to be okay won't end up okay but you will eventually be okay. I'm here for every one I promise. :)

^ Sorry if that was depressing. But if you need me I have A LOT of free time because I have no life. YAY! but talk to me, don;t hold it in, I know from experience it will end not every good so if you need to rant, rant if you need to cry, cry if you need to scream, scream. Do whatever just let someone help you it makes dealing with it ten times better I promise. 

Have a Grrrrrrrrrrreat day!

----------------H