Heartless

91

"Are you okay honey?" Dad said as I aimlessly pushed my pancakes around my plate. "Can you tell Kat that I'm safe...like don't tell her I'm here just...tell her I got in contact with you and that I'm safe." My voice was soft. I really was feeling bad for just leaving everyone without word. I already missed them. "Yeah...are you sure you don't want to talk to her? Maybe tell her what's going on?" I shook my head, "no...I just want a clean break for a minute." I said and took a bite of the pancakes, I tried to enjoy them but really they were just making me sick. "Can we go home?" I whimpered feeling my heart shift again.

"You don't want to finish? Are you okay?" Dad said and looked at me. "N-no...I'm not okay." I whispered and got up, holding my hand out for his keys. He looked at me with sad eyes and handed them over.

I jogged to the car, holding back tears, then I threw myself into the car and crumbled against the seat. Why was I doing this to myself? If I went back to LA, Colby would welcome me with open arms. Why was I hurting him? I love him so much but for some reason I felt like I had to do this. I had to give him a break. Maybe he would go in public without me and his fans would back off of me. I don't know. All I knew is that I couldn't stop crying.

After a couple minutes my dad came back, "Cora, I'm worried about you." He said and pulled me into a hug. "I hate that I'm hurting him...I love him daddy." I sobbed into his shoulder. "Why don't you call him?" He said as I shook my head, "I can't. Not yet." I said almost embarrassed, what I was doing was ridiculous and I knew that, I couldn't face him yet. "Okay, let's get you home, you can take a bath, maybe have a nap and we will see how your feeling." My dad always knew what to say, "did you tell Kat?" I sniffled and hugged myself, curling into the seat. "I did, she was grateful." He said and I nodded. I bit my cheek as I looked out the window.

I really did miss this place, the southern simplicity, the lack of traffic. It was November so it was getting colder, the trees lost their leaves, and the farms were empty, the animals were probably in their barns.

"I'm so sorry dad." I whispered shakily, "why are you sorry?" He said and turned the radio down. "I come to visit and I'm a total mess...I haven't even asked you how you are..." I mumbled causing him to chuckle, "I'm good Cora, I'm sad that you're so sad though. I haven't seen you like this in so long. I wish I could understand what is going on in that little head of yours right now. I wish I could figure out why you are being so hard on yourself." He said honestly as we pulled into the driveway of my childhood home. I couldn't answer him, so I just bit my lip, and stared at the house.

"Okay, go on in and start a bath, I'll bring your bag in." He said and kissed the side of my head before getting out of the car. I got out then shuffled into the house, the overwhelming amount of nostalgia almost brought me to my knees, the last time I was here dad was in the hospital. I walked to the bathroom and turned the faucet on letting the water get as hot as possible.

When I looked in the mirror I hardly recognized myself. My eyes were sunken in, I looked like I hadn't slept or eaten in years, my lower stomach was puffed out ever so slightly, reminding me that I was carrying a baby. Colby's baby. I should call him.

I pulled out my phone, turning it back on.

New message: Kat ☕️
Cora please call me, we are all so worried about you.

New message: Colby 🥰
Baby girl please be okay...I'm so sorry. Please call me I love you.

New voicemail: Colby 🥰

I let my finger hover over the voicemail, then I clicked it.

"Cora, please come back..I...I don't know what happened but we can work it out..I just need to know you're safe. I'm just so sorry baby girl. I'm so sorry." His voice sounded so thick, like he had been crying. It made my heart shatter completely.

I put my phone down and stopped the water once the tub was full.

I spent the next couple hours sitting the water, just thinking. I couldn't wrap my head around how I was feeling, I felt like my entire world was ripped away from me but the person who ripped it away was myself. I couldn't stand the fact that I was hurting Colby and my friends but I also couldn't stand the thought of them being held back by me. My mind flashed to the look in that fans eyes, even though I offered to take their picture. I didn't do anything to deserve the hateful look in her eye.

I got out of the tub and dried off, then made my way to my childhood room. Memories flooded through me, both from when I was a kid and from when I was here just a couple weeks ago. My hands ached with the urge to grab my phone and just call Colby, to tell him how sorry I was for just running off. To beg him to get on a plane just so he could come hold me. I couldn't do that though, it would be too ridiculous.

I needed a clean break for just a few more days, then I would apologize and beg for him back. At least I hoped that would happen. I hoped he would take me back..I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't since I just left without word. He doesn't even know where I am. I shook my head, looking at the time. It was only noon. I sighed and put on a hoodie and sweatpants, then climbed into bed and let sleep take over me.

When I woke up the sun was about to set, I sniffled and got out of bed. "Cor?" Dad yelled when he heard me walking down the stairs. "Hi." I whispered and walked into the kitchen, "you hungry?" He said and stirred the stew he was making. "Yeah." I said quietly, "but I think I'm gonna go for a drive, I need to clear my head a little." I admitted and reached for his keys that were sitting on the counter. "Are you sure you're okay to be driving?" He said with concern, causing me to smile slightly, "I'm fine, I'll pull over if I have to." I said and kissed his cheek, "I'll be back soon." I said then left.

I drove to the only place that I thought would bring me comfort.

When I got the McMillan it felt like a warm hug. This place has gotten me through so much. I hiked up the mountain and just sat on the ledge at the top, watching the sunset. The birds chirping brought me comfort as it was the only sound I could hear. I sat there for hours, just thinking and truly relaxed for the first time. I was brought out of my thoughts when a deep voice spoke behind me.

"I knew you would be here."