Exes & Ohs

The Monster

"Anthony was my first love. It was a hate tainted love. I hated myself and he hated me best. I honestly don't know if I loved him or the way he helped me self destruct. He always knew the right words to push my buttons, I've never known anyone before who so easily could break.me down without a second thought. He fucked me harder than my self hatred. Being with him was like a constant reminder of why I disliked everything about myself. I thought about him all the time, desiring nothing more than to be the object of his attention, no matter how briefly or negative it was. Every night after I spent time with him, I would cry laying on my floor carving into myself. He was my perfect excuse for my favorite escape. Eventually cutting wasn't enough. Nor was laying beneath him as he made me beg for him to fuck me, I'd go home plastered with bruises after he'd fuck me, I'd press my fingers to my bruises and then I'd cut over them. Then I started to finger fuck my throat forcing myself to vomit. . . By the end of our relationship

we met up clandestinely to peacefully do coke off the back of our iphones and fuck violently wherever we were. Our nights consisted only of a lone stereo, our clothes as pillows, the neck of one bottle of whiskey groped by clumsy hands. I wouldn't eat for days, surviving only on pharmaceutical Skittles, Marijuana and various forms of caffeine." Odette hesitates before continuing her monologue, dragging in a shaky breath. She can't look at Ethan, refuses to see the sorrow in his eyes.

"That's what our love was. Me feeding my addiction to self destruction and him tearing me further down."

Tears burn Ethan's throat as he shakes his head. "No," He says. "That's not what love should be. That isn't what love is.

Love is one of the few ways of combatting the human condition. Love is for finding those moments where you aren't alone and wandering aimlessly through an existence you didn't ask for. Meeting you taught me that Odette."