rachel

part 7

15 years old

"Matty, will you drive me home after school? We don't have dance company tonight." I'm standing at his locker, waiting for him to switch out his books. I hate waiting for my Mom to get out of work and pick me up. Thank god Matt has his license and a truck.

"Why can't Alex?" He's distracted and has something on his mind, I can tell. It's not like him to try to dump me onto Alex. Matt always says yes. Plus, we're practically neighbors so it just makes sense.

"He has to work. I could probably find someone else if your busy."

"Umm no. It's ok. Just meet me at my truck after final bell." He's in his head, barely paying attention to me and our conversation. I'll get more out of him on the ride home.

The bell rings and we disperse. It's the final class of the day and then the weekend! Class could not be any more boring and go by any slower. Finally, the last bell rings. I fly out the door to my locker and then run to the parking lot. Matt's truck is dark blue. It's oldish. I have no idea what kind it is. I jump in the passenger side and slam the door. There is a thin layer of dust that covers the dashboard.

The ride is quiet. Honestly, I live for my quiet silence with Matt. We allow each other the head space we both need. It's refreshing. He doesn't bring anything up so I decide not to pry. Sometimes, Matt turns grouchy and that is never fun. Especially, when I'm trapped in a truck with him. I leave him in his own head space.

He pulls into his driveway and we both jump out. 

"Thanks for the ride. I'll see you tomorrow right?"

"Ya. For sure. I'll call Alex and make plans."

Matt walks into his house without even a second look back at me. I hitch my backpack up higher on my shoulder and start walking toward my house. I round the corner of his garage to walk through the backyard of our neighbor. 

A person jumps out in front of me and I gasp loudly in shock. Jace shoves me against the side of the garage. 

"Don't make a sound." 

"Jace what the hell?" 

We both talk at the same time. He holds a finger to his lips. I snap my mouth closed. My next few words stick to the back of my throat. There is a hint of fear in my chest. There is a heaviness pressing down on my chest, and my throat and neck feel tight.

"Rach, you look hot in this shirt." His eyes move up and down my body.

He reaches for the hem of my shirt and tries to sneak a hand under. Pink stains my chest and face. I'm frozen. I'm paralyzed. What do I do? Brain is overthinking and not functioning properly. Brain work. Please. 

I smack his hand away but Jace grabs it and puts his other hand on my stomach. Instinct kicks in and I shove him with all my might. He takes a step or two backwards and sets his evil grin on his face and stares directly into my eyes.

"Fucking ballerina. Your fucking place is on your knees, sucking my dick. Remember that, Bitch."

He sneers. And stalks away. Going around the garage and out of my sight. 

I gasp for air. I fill my lungs as tears sting my eyes. Flight finally kicks in and I run. I run faster than I have ever run before. My hands are shaking and I fumble with my keys to unlock my door. I get it open and slam it shut behind me. I tear off my backpack, throw it down near my kicked off shoes and run upstairs to my room. I climb onto my bed and quickly tuck my knees in up to my chin. Tears flow silently. What just happened?

I feel like my skin is someone else's, it doesn't belong to me. It's like Jace's hand left a burn mark on my stomach. I can't even look at it. I feel dirty. Used. I feel sick. Did I welcome this? What did I do? How did I allow it to happen? This is all my fault. A million other thoughts flow through my brain all at the same time. My skin glows with heat. My chest is the heaviest it has ever been. I realize I'm not breathing. 

I gasp and still can't breath. I gasp again. My chest is heaving. I'm pretty sure I'm dying. 

This is what a heart attack is right? After maybe 30 seconds, but what feels like 30 minutes, my breathing is back to normal. The tears are still flowing. My pillow is soaked. 

I realize a couple of things. The first is that there is something wrong with me. Normal people don't overthink and almost die from a heart attack at 15 years old. The second is that I have to keep this a secret. Alex would lose his mind if he found out that a guy touched me, let alone Jace. I don't want to be known as the girl who dressed slutty, asked for attention from boys, and then got exactly what I deserved. I'm pretty sure this is all my fault. No one can know. 

And Matty. He absolutely can not know because he would lose his mind. He would confront Jace and Jace would take advantage and beat him to a pulp. Matty can not know. Ever. 

My mind continues to race. What is sucking a dick? What does that even mean? Is it the same as a blowjob? I've only heard Mary Kate talk about different things like this but I don't realize how naive I am until this very moment. My neck is red and my face is red. Just thinking about this makes my skin feel like it's on fire. 

My tears dry after some time. I sit up and stare aimlessly into space. I don't know how much time has gone by. A knock at my door startles me and I jump 3 feet into the air. Is it Jace? My anxiety doesn't allow me to move from my place on my bed. I hear the door open and then close. Footsteps make their way upstairs and to my bedroom. Matt pokes his head in my door. I quickly rub the last remaining tears from my face and pray that it's not pink anymore.

"Rach. I'm bored. Walk into town with me?"

My heart settles. My pulse slows down. His presence is calming. He must not be in his own head anymore.

"What's in town?"

"Spicy Cheetos."