Hearing his Heart Beat

▲27△

"I broke myself, just to heal you." -unknown
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Jorden's POV
"You plan on calling it a night anytime soon Jorden?" My dad calls from the field house. I know I should be happy we're on talking terms again but I can't help the sting that I feel when I hear 'Jorden' where 'Son' used to be.

"Just trying to make sure I could remember the new plays even if I was in a coma." I call back to him, walking up to the gate line, trying to make out his face in the quickly approaching dark that the sunset left behind.

"Yeah but you're no good for the team if you're so sore that you can catch anything sport." He replies and I feel the sting again. 'Sport' is where 'Son' used to be. It's like he likes twisting the knife.

"I'll run one more and then I'll head home." I say about to turn around before he speaks again.

"Hey...your mom wanted me to invite you and Brendan over for dinner tomorrow night. She wants to celebrate the playoff game." He says so quiet the wind almost takes it away. We're talking again but only during football and only about football. I haven't stepped foot in my fathers house since he threw me out and I don't know if I can go back.

"I'll uh talk to Brendan about it." I reply as turn around to go run that last route.
———————————————————————————My fathers front yard is littered with fallen leaves. Guess if I'm not here to clean it, it doesn't get clean. He taught me how to throw a football out here on this lawn on day after church. My mom complained that she couldn't get the green grass stains out of my nice shirt. Ive always hated wearing button downs anyway much like the one Brendan's forced me into tonight.

"There's nothing to worry about. These are your parents and despite their actions they love you." Shanna assures me, messing with my collar.

All four of us are sitting outside of my parents house. I texted my mom and told her the only way I was coming was if I could bring James and Shanna too. I'm gonna need my entire support system if I'm gonna get through this.

We walk up to the door and I knock. It's a long, bone shaking fifteen seconds (yes, I counted) until my mom comes and opens the door. I didn't realize until now how much I had missed her smile.

"Hi, it's so good to see y'all." She says, pulling me into a big hug. I tighten my arms around her and close my eyes in an attempt not to cry. I'd be a liar if I said that I didn't miss my mother.

When I open my eyes and let her go,  I see my father standing just behind her. I can't read the expression on his face. He gives me a curt nod that I return.

"This is my boyfriend Brendan and our best friends Shanna and James." I tell them and my mom embraces them all in hugs. She's always been big on hospitality. She made the boys of the football team feel like they were her sons too. I wonder if that's changed now that I'm out of the picture.

"Let's go sit and eat, Jorden I made your favorite!" My mom chimes and I chuckle. I notice that all of the pictures of me are still up on the light grey walls of our hallways, as we head for the dining room. Guess they don't hate me enough to take them down. I thought for sure that my father would considering he acted like he couldn't stand the sight of me. 

I opt to sit next to Brendan and in front of my mom. I don't think I can look at my fathers dead expression all night.

The talk is light. James and Shanna keep up small talk with my mom about college and sign language. My dad and I answer in small sentences when she asks about football. Brendan doesn't say a word. I'm pretty sure he'd blend into the walls if he could.

"So Brendan, how did you meet Jorden?" My mom asks after I brief pause in conversation. I raise my eyebrows at her. I told her and my father how we met the night that he threw me out.

"We got partnered up during Freshman Biology. I thought he was this arrogant football player, which he was." Brendan jokes and we all chuckle, the tension breaking a little.

"But then we got to know each other and I realized that he was this great person." He finishes and I smile at him. I notice my dad holding onto his fork so hard I'm worried he'll bend it.

"You okay Coach?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"Why don't you and I help do the dishes?" He asks and I know he wants to talk to me. We clear the table while Shanna starts telling my mom about her and Brendan's childhood antics.

"What's up?" I ask my father as we begin washing the dishes. I haven't met anyone other then my parents that owns a dishwasher and still insists on washing the dishes by hand.

"I just wanted to apologize for how I've treated you and how I let others treat you. It was a huge shock to me and I didn't know what to do. It wasn't what I had pictured for you but it's not your job to live up to what I have pictured for you son. It's your job to be yourself. I'm sorry I resented you for that. You look happy. Happier then I've ever seen ya. I'm not saying I'm over the moon about it but I'm gonna try to be more accepting of you two. I miss my son." He says, not once looking up at me.

"Thank you for apologizing. It means a lot." I say trying to hold in the tears.

We finish the rest of the dishes in silence and then return back to the dining room where my mom is showing them my baby pictures.

After a warm hug to my mom, we say goodbye and I thank Shanna, James and Brendan for coming with me. The moment Brendan and I get in my car, the tears just come washing down.

I don't know if my relationship with my father will ever be the same. I don't know if I'll ever really feel like his son again. But I do know that I don't want to spend my whole life hating him. I want to forgive him so that I can move on from the pain that's held onto me for the last few months. I want to heal.