Grey & Green (Harry Styles AU)

31. Fix you

“When do I get to hear you play?” Harry asks as we lay together in his bed. After crying so much I feel so tired but can’t seem to fall asleep and neither does he.

“Play what?”

“Guitar. I would love to hear you play. I know you don’t do it for other people but I thought you could make an exception for me. You know ‘cause I’m a sex god.”

I roll my eyes at his playfulness and swat his hand, which has been placed significantly low on my back, away. “Maybe someday.”

“Someday? Why not now?” He whines.

“Well I don’t think you have a guitar here so…”

“That’s where you’re wrong my dear Mia. Gemma’s boyfriend used to play and I still have his guitar in the guest room.”

“I’m still not gonna play though. I’m too tired.”

We stay silent for a while even though there’s so much that I need to say and so many questions I need to ask. I need reassurance but I don’t want to have to ask for it. I wish he just knew and said what I needed to hear and I know that’s asking for too much, but it’s just because I’m having a bad time and I’m feeling really insecure. I really shouldn’t complain because Harry has been a pretty exceptional boyfriend so far.

“My friends were kind of surprised that I acted like that towards you,” he interrupts the silence. “Louis especially was giving me s.hit about how whipped I was.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

I look at him to see a stupid smile tugging on his lips. “Nah, I was actually proud, because they finally saw what you and I are about. Too bad your friends couldn’t see it.”

“Yeah, that sucks.”

“Don’t think too much about it though. What matters is what we feel, forget about anyone else.”

“So you’re still friends with Ally?” I ask trying not to sound disappointed or sad about it.

“I don’t really talk to her, but she’s still in our group. There’s nothing I can do about it really. Does that bother you?”

“I can’t say it doesn’t.”

“Do you want me to stop hanging out with them?”

“Would you?”

“I’d do anything for you.”

“It’s okay though. I would never ask you to stop hanging out with your friends for me. I trust you, Harry.”

“Trust me enough to tell me your version of what happened in your past?”

The thing is I want to tell him. I want him to know everything there is to know about me just like I want to know every single thing about his life. I just don’t know if I’m ready to let this all out, not because I don’t trust him enough, but because every time I talk about it, everything comes back to me and it makes me feel so down, it just takes me back to a time of my life I was absolutely lost and there was nobody to help me.

I had no one except my brother, but he had no idea what was going on at first. When he did find out he solved everything and helped me get through it. But he didn’t make me forget nor stop feeling depressed every time I’m reminded of the incident.

“I already told you about my parents and my little brother,” I shrug as if saying that I’ve already taken a big step to prove that I trust him and that should be enough for now, but I don’t think he accepts that.