“My body aches for him,” I tell April. “When I’m lying in bed, my body wants to reach out and grab him. I want to put my leg on top of his. You know the feeling when you want to be intertwined with somebody, but there is nobody to spoon so you hug your pillow instead?”
“So, you miss his body?”
“I almost put a tie on my pillow to make it look more like Brian.”
“What! You are really pathetic.” She raises her right hand to order another bottle of soju. It’s almost rush hour and this tented bar on the street is already packed with sweaty commuters in suits and college students, drinking and talking about everything from girlfriend issues to obnoxious coworkers to money problems. Koreans are loud and sentimental, and we drink a lot too. I love the animal warmth of people around me chatting in my mother tongue. I feel as though this whole friendly setting is nudging me to open up to April and share all my pent up frustration and affection for Brian.
“What about him is so special?”
“I don’t know. It’s ineffable. There is a reason why love is described in the Song of Songs as perfume. It’s most definitely there and it affects every sensory nerve system in your body but you can’t see it and you can’t capture it, let alone in words.”
“That’s a copout answer.” April looks at me shrewdly. Ok, you got me.
“It’s his aura. It’s this distinct cluster of energy emanating from his body and his brain that I’m attracted to. Magnetic attraction, if you will, to his gentle masculinity. But it’s his voice that I’m really crazy about. He has a deep, authoritative voice that intimidates me a little. It’s so strange, I feel so complete when I hear his voice. It literally fills me up.”
“How old is he?”
“Same as me, but he graduated early to save money and he now works at Deloitte as a business management consultant. When he was younger, his dad's small business failed and his family got evicted from their house. He said he grew up changing his baby brother’s diapers and he now pays for his tuition.”
“At least he sounds like a responsible guy…”
“But he has an annoyingly bossy and nosy personality. His worldview is rigidly Christian. Too Conservative. I believe in God too, but I’m very very liberal if you haven’t noticed.”
April looks puzzled. Does she not know what I mean by conservative or liberal? Not so sure, but I don’t want to press the point.
“What does he look like?” she asks, quickly changing the topic.
“Stalky figure with a big bum and broad shoulders. Brown skin. Big pineapple head with short, spiked up, straight hair. Wish he were a little taller, but oh, well. I’ll just go easy on heels. But, what’s so weird about this whole thing is that I love him because he makes me less selfish. I really want to be good to him. I used to only date guys that dote on me and put me on a pedestal, but with him, it’s different. I want to take good care of him; I want to make him happy. I’m not a housewife kinda person, but when I heard him complaining to his friends that he hates doing laundry and ironing his shirts, I suddenly got interested in household chores.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve been practicing ironing.” April stares directly at my face. I sense a tiny bit of anger in her voice.
"Actually...I..."
“Even though he seems to be using you as emotional crutch?”
“You really think that I can’t get him to fall in love with me? I told you I want to marry this guy! Why are you so cynical, April?”
“I think all guys are selfish. I’ve been burned before.”
YOU ARE READING
Millennial's Monologue: Secret Dramas in Our Hearts & Souls
Non-FictionREAL LIFE STORY: I was a stereotypical high achiever in an Ivy League school who got suspended for plagiarism; April was a sweet girl who worked in a high-end prostitution ring. We were both in our early twenties when we became friends. A perfect...
