Complicated Like That

Where The Wild Things Are

I would like to consider myself as a very private person. I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are made of diamonds. I have a lot of followers but no one knows who I fuck with. Even when meeting new people and getting to know others, I've trained myself into not revealing too much of myself. The person you see in front of you is but a fraction of the person I actually am.

You see an unapologetic, fire of a person who's bold and loud and cusses too much. You see confidence go up in flames around me. Hard skin but soft lips and if you're lucky enough I guess you get to see the soft part of me too. Whether these things are attractive or not, life has forced me to be this way and I refuse to be anything else.

There is however a way to know if you have any significant value in my life. You see, I think of myself as ethereal, some heavenly body that was wrongfully placed on this earth but is meant to bless others. I reserve parts of myself for only those who are worthy in my eyes to witness. I think it's a pretty good cover up for all my flaws, paranoia and insecurities.

I don't talk on the phone unless I absolutely need to. I don't send any pictures of myself to anyone. I don't even reply to people timeously. I've lost interest in being social and it shows in the haphazard replying patterns that range from hours to days. I'm depressed and smoke myself into oblivion to avoid my problems.

So if, for some reason, you find me calling you, speaking to you daily or occasionally sending you a picture of myself. Know that you are one of the few who I let into my tower. I'm comfortable around you and trust you more than I do anyone else. If I kiss you, know that there is a part of me that is attached to you. My fatal flaw now applies to you.

What is the flaw? I care about you. This means that you have a get out of jail free card at your disposal. This also means you can hurt me in a way very few people can. It means that you'll get away with a lot of things I don't normally tolerate and that I will fight with every fibre in my being to keep you in my life, even if you turn out to be toxic.

Yeah, I know. That sound pathetic and I am. I love too much and forgive too easily. If you find yourself here, know that I'm trusting you with a part of me that is vulnerable and I'm hoping that you won't fuck my over like everyone else who stood where you're standing. I'm fragile and soft and delicate, placed carefully into your hands.

You have the power to destroy me. And at this stage, all of the important people in my life know about you and how much you mean to me. What you do with me is obviously up to you but affects me and all of those important people. I'm asking you to be gentle and very, very careful. This is not a place that is explored by many. 

And I know you've heard this all before, probably from every girl you've ever gotten close to but hear me when I say that I'm not like those girls. I'm all about that old school kind of love. I can't twerk or grind but I'll press your back when you're tired and lull you to sleep when you struggle against your demons in the odd hours of the night.

No, I'm not the sexiest nor the thickest nor the prettiest, not even the smartest but I am the kindest. I won't cheat on you nor judge you and will always aim to be your safe place during all the storms that will enter your life. I'm not good at much but I promise to be good to you and to love you the way I believe everyone deserves to be loved - unconditionally and limitlessly.

I will drive you crazy with all of my flaws and you will see parts of me that you will despise with a devilish passion. But, I'm one of a kind and will treasure you in a way no one has before. You'll be surprised at the amount of effort I'm willing to dedicate to you and this will trigger all the warning signs in your brain because you won't believe anyone can love this much.

There will be days when you'll feel like you definitely don't deserve me and maybe you're right. You'll see that ethereal angel I'm always going on about and you'll wonder how I have managed to keep this light despite all the tragedies that happened in my life. You will witness me in all of my majestic glory and stare in awe and wonder, you'll think you're so blessed.

And there are days where the very thought of my will frustrate you unlike anything you've ever experienced. You will feel like screaming your guts out and punching the wall repeatedly. You will see all of my small insecurities manifest into this beast that drains you of your energy and you will know that we are too far gone to be saved.

When you walk away from me, you will feel a part of you pale as you listen to the sound of my heart breaking and you might hate yourself for it. You'll tell yourself I deserve better but really it's just some shitty excuse you use to keep your guilt at bay and when you see me again, you won't be able to resist falling into my cycle all over again.  

The highs will be the highest you've ever been and the lows will drag and drown you into depths you've never heard of. You'll waste time thinking about why it has to be this way but the truth is, you weren't ready for a woman like me. A part of you will always be reserved for me and you'll hate it. You'll hate us and you'll absolutely despise how good we were together.

I know how this goes, I've been here before. 

I know not what our future holds, for you have uniquely hurt me and I don't know how to feel. I know for certain that the damage done can never be erased or forgotten and you unintentionally lost probably the best thing to happen to you. You will find yourself missing all those things I don't do but did for you and it will slowly gnaw at you.

You eyes will long to see the parts of my skin and you'll realise just how badly you screwed up when the tips of your fingers reach out to brush mine and I pull away in discomfort. You will yearn to hear the sound of my voice saying I want you and every time you kiss another, you will be haunted by flashes of me.

You'll see me shy, uncomfortable, conservative and you'll wonder where's that bold bitch you know. Our conversations will grow shorter but you'll think of me more and come up with no conclusions. And that diss you wrote will turn to poison that you wish you could burn while I embrace it and become everything you said I was.

Don't say I didn't warn you, babe. You got both sides of me and that is where the wild things are.