Complicated Like That

You

I always think about how different we are. You're magnetic, intoxicating and it drives me crazy. But somehow I'm still drawn to you. It's like it's beyond my control. This fatal attraction, this wild tension that builds despite us not actually seeing each other. It's outright ridiculous and I can't help but think about this thing I once told my friend about relationships.

Anything that starts quickly, furiously and passionately will end quickly, furiously and passionately.

The flames that ignite our desires will be the same ones that burn us in the end.

And that's us. One simple picture, a phone call and now it's months later and I've started to care about you but you don't understand me. You don't get the things I do or say and we have such great fun together, we have such good rapport that it scares me. Because I know when this is all over, you'll continue living your life as per usual and I'll be stranded here, picking up the pieces, wondering where it all went wrong.

I told another friend that sometimes we don't have a choice in the people we encounter and that no matter how much we avoid certain things, they still happen. It's like our very avoidance is the driving force towards the inevitable. It's like we're all cars, each on our own journey towards something, each with our own set routes and pinned destinations. But sometimes we're low on gas and need to make a pit stop at a place we don't really want to stop at. Maybe the garage is dodge or the fuel prices aren't our preferences but we cannot travel any further without stopping. Sometimes we need to service our cars before we take a leap into the unknown. Sometimes people are garages, other times potholes or detours but whatever the case is, we wouldn't be where we are if not for those circumstances that brought us here. 

Maybe there is a greater lesson at play here and we just don't know it. The truth is that we don't know which of the people we encounter turn out to have bigger parts in our stories. We don't know who's playing villain or who's just misunderstood. All we can do is welcome the unknown in hopes that maybe the detour takes us to the most beautiful places we haven't seen or that the people who service our cars do such a great job that we travel a far distance before needing another service.

It's ironic actually because I tried to avoid you for the longest time. I kept thinking you were just going to play around or that you weren't really interested in me. You have so many girls and I'm just one. A quiet and average one. And no, I'm not comparing. I am not insecure and whining. I'm acknowledging that I stand out among the Instagram models you speak to or the girls who are so pretty they don't need make up. I know that I have my own way of being beautiful and that's okay. Yeah, I don't have the nicest ass or the thickest thighs or the biggest boobs and my tummy isn't flat. But I know that I'm kind and caring and that those are rare qualities to find in this century.

I know that I am a handful, that I'm ridiculously over dramatic and I have the worst case of OCD known to man. I know that sometimes I have a big mouth and talk absolute garbage. I'm not the brightest or the prettiest and the sound of my voice can sometimes be annoying. I like to act like I have everything under control but sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing. My love for everything will annoy you when we're walking down the street and I tug on your sleeves every few houses because there's a cute dog and when I cry at sunset because, my God the sky looks so beautiful. I will pay attention to the stars more than I pay attention to the movie we decide to watch and I scream at the top of my lungs when I'm mad. You'll become tired at me constantly complaining about how bad my paintings look when you've clearly told me they're nice and you'll hate me when I beg you for something. You'll sigh everytime my hands pull at the ends of your sleeves and you'll hate how easily upset I am when you raise your voice and reprimand me.

Yes, I'm awful at being sexy and I can't pose for the pictures you want to take of me. You'll wonder what you're doing with your life every single time we fight because that shit is exhausting. And you'll wonder what drew you to me when you realise that I'm not good at a lot of things and that somethings will always, always be more important than you no matter how much I say that I love you. And when you hear those words for the first time, your heart will sink a little as you look into my ordinary dark brown eyes and listen to the words barely above a whisper because you will know the amount of emotion that's placed. You'll give me the tiniest small and ease me into hearing that you don't feel the same and you'll watch my heart break like a kid who loses their favourite toy. You'll listen to me brush it off with a smile and realise that we're in too deep and you'll decide to ghost me because it's easier that way for you and "besides, how else will she learn?" is what you will tell yourself to ease the guilt.

But if you choose to stay, you'll learn that I have so much of love it radiates towards everything I admire. You'll listen to my nonsense stories and realise it's actually me opening up to your in the only way I know how. You'll see that I love being in the moment and exaggerating is actually addicting. You'll recognise that me pulling at your sleeves is actually me silently asking you to stay because you're good for me right now. I cry every time I screw up because I'm so scared of hurting you. And I will press your head whenever it hurts and cuddle up to you even when I'm mad because I've been alone for so long that you being in my life is all I really need. You'll hear me talk about the people who hurt me and see the pain in my eyes as I refuse to cry over them and you'll realise that I'm not the prettiest but my soul is unlike any other you've encountered. You'll watch me ignore your advice about giving too much and it will infuriate you when they eventually disappoint me because you warned me. And you'll see me do it again because I just can't help but want to give my love and my effort and my time and everything I can to people. I can't help but want to be the light in a world as cruel as ours.

I will play with your hair whenever you lie on me and massage your back at every given chance. I will spend more than needed time making you a cup of tea or coffee because I want it to be perfect and I will brush your hair even if you say no. I will lather on a very fragranced lotion and lecture you on self care. I will hold you close to me and hug you for a ridiculous amount of time. I will place soft and gentle kisses on your neck and cheeks and your forehead but I want you to feel respected just like I want to feel respected. I'll apologise the instant I say the wrong thing and I'll cover you with blankets and always give you a pillow when you lie down. I will go out of my way for you the same way I do for everyone else and when you need me to listen I will be quiet. And if I can't do the things you want me to, I promise I'll try my best. You'll listen to me quietly ask you to stay no matter the time you spend with me and if you do, I will sit on top of you and soak your presence for as long as I can.

I know that I'm a handful and that I'm not good at a lot of things but I promise that if you choose to stay, I will be good to you.