Complicated Like That

Fire

"Some women fear the fire. Some women become it." - R.H.Sin

I was born with a flame within. Small, subtle like when you first strike a match stick but there and alive. Often perceived as a threat, the world sought to extinguish my flames, instead they danced with the harsh winds that tried to blow them out. I was once afraid of this fire, afraid that it would quickly consume me or burn the people who tried to get close to me. So I locked it away in a tower on some abandoned island and threw the map away. For years, the fire remained isolated and forgotten. 

Until one day, my heart broke, shattered actually and tears streamed out of my soul. I drowned in them for months before realising that this wasn't me. I would love to be the ocean. I've admired it for years. So calming, so soothing, so powerful but so humble. It rages and is violent but it also cools your soul. So peaceful. But not like me. I would love to be the Earth, so deep and filled with wonders and treasures. So huge and warm but rough and dangerous, spanning across the world and touching the sky. So magnificent. But not like me. I cannot deny the passion that fuels me and it is unparallelled to anything. But very, very much like fire.

Do not be fooled. This fire I speak of is nothing like the one you know. See, our fires while blazing and hot are also destructive, a weapon. Our fires have smoke, choke us up and leave us to die a gruesome death. I'm nothing like that. There is no earthly phenomenon, man made nor otherwise that quite fit me despite my limitless love for them. My fire is blue that shifts to shades of beautiful purples in the dark never ending abyss of space. A star somewhere far away. 

I kept it locked in a tower for years and then it got out. I found my purpose in life and it, my friend, is a glorious one. I want to spread love and kindness like a fairy except not like a fairy because they don't exist. Like me, like what I've spent my entire life doing. I refuse to let any life experiences or failed relationships dictate how bright I shine. Love me, hate me, abandon me, break me. I do not care. I have decided to stop throwing myself a pity party, to stop the behaviour teenage me would condone and to make the most of my limited time here on this breathtakingly beautiful earth. I am blessed.

I am blessed to be alive. Blessed with a wanderlust and desire to see every inch of this world, bless with a love for music and food and culture and learning and people. Blessed to have met a handful of good people and to have encountered the ones who taught me what I needed to be taught. I endeavour to become the person I have always wanted to be, to hoist my past in the air and carry it as proof of all that I have survived. I'm choosing me this time. 

Not the man I love.

Not the person everyone else wants me to be.

Not the person everyone thinks I should be.

But me, the me I want to be.

I am the fire, the core of a star and like the sun, the way I shine will change the world.