Complicated Like That

Letter

My dearest unknown lover,

I hope this finds you well. I know it's a little strange to be receiving this letter but I want you to know I mean no harm. It's kind of weird addressing this to an unknown person because I know exactly who you are. This love is dreadful and painful but also impossible. I guess I just want you to know how I feel without actually telling you. It's a nightmare - living and breathing the same as you without you knowing how deeply I feel. I guess, I'll start from the beginning.

I have loved you from the second I looked into your breathtakingly beautiful brown eyes with flecks of honey and gold that reflected the sunlight while you laughed at some stupid joke I made. I have loved you every single time I let myself fall into your warm and strong arms embracing me so tightly I could barely breathe. I have loved you from the second your name lit up the screen of my phone and I smiled because as always your timing was impeccable. I have loved you every moment since.

It's kind of funny how life turns out. My first impression of you was a nerd who tried to hard to be cool. My impression after was a typical bad boy with dangerous red flags who I should definitely stay away from. It' hard to describe but there was something about you that intrigued me. Next thing I know, I'm fiercely fighting to be your friend - to know you, to understand, to satisfy this urge within that I just couldn't shake off. Well, you know the rest of the story from there.

It always troubled me how you couldn't or rather didn't want to love. I mean, love is one of the most beautiful phenomenons to ever grace this horrible world. I think it made me really sad to know of someone who was so used to life fuking everything up that he couldn't afford the slightest glimmer of love to shine through his high walls. I wanted to fill you with so much of love that you were newly inspired to fall in it once again. But all I did was suffocate you an for that, I am terribly sorry.

I don't really know when exactly i fell in love with you. All I know is that one morning I woke with this familiar feeling in my chest that I hadn't really felt in a long time - hope. Hope that this day would be better than yesterday. All I knew is that my heart pattered in my chest every time I heard the notification on my phone go off and that I would jump out of bed with utter excitement every time you said you were outside. I wish I could tell you that I knew back then but I didn't.

I should have though, I should have known the second I first let you kiss me in my room. I should have known when I let you take off my clothes with all of my insecurities laid out in the open. I should have known every time it happened after that. Maybe a part buried deep within did know but it also knew that you were fuelled by lust and so it diminished into that very feeling. It was hard for me to distinguish between the two, even now I'm still unsure.

This insatiable desire that wants you so much, physically, is clouding my better judgement. When I think of you, all I want to do is sin and that's not really what love is about. So how do I know that I love you? Simple, I want you to be happy more than I want to sleep with you. I want you to live a fulfilled life more than I want you to be in mine and I want you to love so fiercely even if it's not me that you love.

I guess it always came down to you or me and you know more than anyone that I always end up choosing you. I'm writing this letter for you too, you know. To save you, to inspire you, to enrage you, just to make you feel something, anything. To teach you about the parts of yourself you choose to ignore that will ultimately be your downfall. So you may learn and grow and be better than the person you were before you read this.

I want you to know that I have seen almost every part of you. I've seen you hungry over lust, driven mad with rage, soft with sorrow and pity, kind with empathy, giving with love, sweet with support, gentle with care and cold and completely heartless. I've seen your darkest moments and watched you battle all your demons and also occasionally befriend them too. I know how cruel and kind you can be. You have fucked me over more than anyone else has in my entire life so I know about every reaction, argument, hateful comment that you resort to. 

And I love you all the same.

You think I'm insane and borderline stupid for ever loving you but you're wrong. I'd like to believe that God has graciously placed me in your life for this exactly purpose. To show you that you are very much worthy of love and to show me that sometimes love isn't enough. I have a million quotes and song lyrics that I could fill in this letter to help you understand better. I'm choosing not to. I'm hoping experience will show you in ways I never could.

Whilst you will never know nor understand how I feel even with a thousand letters at your doorstep, I hope someday, far from now, you hear my name and think of all the wonderful memories I could never thank you enough for. And you smile because, God, we had it so good! I hope you're suddenly filled with curiosity to find out where I've been all these years and how I've been doing. And with fate, destiny and the stars allow it, I hope when you see me, you tell me about this epic love story between you and your lover.

Between us, know that my smile will definitely be fake after listening to you but that doesn't mean that I'm not happy for you. I am. I will be. Promise. I've pictured us together in about a billion different scenarios all with different circumstances and different times, but we don't ever work out, babes, not even in my dreams. There's always going to be something that gets in the way of things. We're doomed to meet in such a way and end. We're built only to fall apart. Maybe, that is the purpose we serve to each other in this life.

I don't know who you will be when you read this letter nor, do I know what you'll think of it. All I know is that I tried and failed and maybe this letter is just an insurance. Wherever you are, know that I'm so proud of you. I pray for only the best for you and I hope that you take the time to think about me every once in a while. 

I hope someday you find a love that inspires you to love passionately. You will never know how fiercely I love you or how painful this love is, and we may never end up together. But I hope that one day, you're happy.

With the deepest, unconditional love and the greatest respect.

Your Ex-Bestie.

Me. Xx.

12/08/'19