Complicated Like That

The Girl In The Mirror

Scrolling on Instagram on a hot Thursday afternoon, she found a picture that fit perfectly with what she wanted to say but wouldn't dare articulate.

"Please don't get tired of me.

It happens every time. People lost interest in me. They get tired of me. Suddenly, they don't bother hitting me up anymore. The conversations become shorter. They forget about me and I become a distant memory. I wonder if it's my fault sometimes. But then I realize that people never stay in my life. And there's nothing I can do about it." - anxiety520

She remembered the night they sat in his car, just talking about things in the dark with nothing but a lone streetlight illuminating the outlines of their faces, shining into her eyes occasionally. She cried to him that night - about losing her anchor, the guy she would have done anything and everything for, her best friend. And her heart swelled with sorrow as she realized an ugly truth. Maybe it was the fact that they have been hanging out in his car for the past month that made her feel very comfortable around him, maybe she was just sitting there with her heart pouring out of her eyes and she thought that it wouldn't hurt to let him in on this one tragic truth.

"Everyone leaves me, everyone abandons me." The words left her mouth slowly as if it physically hurt her to say them out loud, from the corner of her eye she saw his head drop.

"That's just life." He said with a sad tone.

"No, you don't understand. I try so hard, I give people all I can offer. I love them unconditionally no matter how much they hurt me and believe me, they hurt me so badly and so many times. I still forgive them and love them the same. I put in so much of effort. I get to know the parts of them that no one else sees and I cherish them. I never judge them and always listen to them and every single small thing they have asked of me, I have done. I care so much. I love so much ... and yet, they still always leave me. I on't even know what I did to deserve any of this."Tears fell from her eyes and onto her lap. 

"I won't ever leave you."

"That's what they all say ... they all leave anyway."

She sighed thinking about how distant he has been to her and how they hardly speak. She tried the 3 day rule - no calls, no texts, no nothing for 3 days and if he didn't get back to her, she was going to block him and move on. She waited until the last hour. He didn't message, he didn't care. Her absence had not at all bothered him but it bothered her so much that she gave in and messaged him. They still didn't speak that much. She opened up WhatsApp and posted this image as her status, but only he could view it. He did. The second he viewed the status, she went onto their chat. He left her on read. Her heart dropped.

She spent most of that night outside sitting on the floor, enjoying the cool breeze and smoking her lungs into oblivion. He still didn't message. She let out two tears, for some reason, other tears refused to fall. The combination of smoking 4 cigarettes makes you so numb, that you can't even cry. When she was done with her last cigarette, she walked back inside, into her room and collapsed on the bed. Her heart was racing yet at the same time empty. She couldn't cry. She looked up, a gleaming beam caught her eye. She didn't use her evacuation plan in over a year and promised herself and her guy best friend that she wouldn't. But her best friend abandoned her. And so did the one guy she caught feels for in years.

She got up and walked into the bathroom, rummaging through the drawer to find some bandages and antiseptic. When she found her weapons of destruction, she flushed the toilet so that no one would be suspicious of her activity and walked back into her room. She walked towards the gleaming light and picked up the blade. She sat on her bed and tried to cry again, when she couldn't, she swiped the blade across her left wrist a few times before cleaning up the wound and putting a bandage on it.