Complicated Like That

The Moment I knew

"You know, that means that you're important to me." I say, my voice a little softer than usual.

I listen to him brush it off while my heart pounds in my chest - the wild but sweet creature digs her paws into the heated soil as she races across the earth, only to fly off the edge in a show of marvellous, explosive disaster and fall into the depths of darkness. I don't realise but I'm breathing heavily, with hand on my chest as I slowly begin to process this newly found ... disappointment but more like upset.  I made myself emotionally vulnerable by saying this short but impactful sentence to you. But you don't get it. This time, I wasn't teasing or being sarcastic, this time - I was real, genuine and I meant those words from the bottom of my heart. A subtle display of affection that I was scared to outright say, but I did. It's so unlike me, but how can I blame you for not knowing? You don't know me, well not really. Not the real me anyway.

You look at me and you see a fiery body of confidence. You feel the heat radiating off me and you think, "what a wonderful, strong and independent woman!" and I am. You see someone quick to cut off emotions, detached like a robot. A book filled with unsolved mysteries you don't quite understand and depth of intelligence you are intrigued by. You see a mind that's open and vast, witty humour and sarcasm are like reflexes that you've figured out the algorithm for, but cannot solve. So complicated. A laugh like a hyena, contagious too. Filled with cheap humour, bad puns and an hyperbole of vulgarity mixed in with a sassy attitude that honestly sickens you a little. You watch me dismiss affections with claims that I'm beyond this superficial nature but know that I like being treated like a lady. You listen to my embarrassing stories that show my otherworldly care, compassion and secretively shy nature and you smile because of course, underneath all those wild layers, I am soft, subtle and delicate. Such a dangerous combination and you look at it in absolute awe.

But what you don't see is me, the fragile me I hid beneath layers and layers of stone and bricks in hopes that it would be adequate protection. But you were like soft water that seeped through the soil and somehow found a way into my tower of solitude. Something so unexpected that even my hard, stones began to crumble apart. Red LED lights haphazardly flashing, blinding me and sirens ringing so loud that my voice was silenced. Before, I knew it, you were in and I was running up the stairs of the tower trying to hide myself once more. A small glance of me and everything you previously believed shook. I hide her away because she's been broken so many times by those who stood before you and I know she won't survive another fall. Important is such a powerful word - of great significance and value. It holds such a deep meaning to me because among everyone else in this world, I don't throw around a limit vocabulary of words unless I truly and sincerely mean them. Important is one of those words.

I cannot pin it down to deep rooted psychological issues or a heavy and dreadful past but the second I feel something for someone, I run. I am scared of feeling a certain way because I care and love too deeply, in turn my wounds are just as deep. Every man who stood where you did made empty promises they didn't keep. They broke me in two different ways - one in strength and love, and the other in faith and belief. A year and some odd months apart but consuming, destructive and brutal all the same. One a lover, the other a friend, but both so very, very important to me, both I couldn't escape for the longest time and both that annoyingly still have a hold on me like a demon that refuses to be exorcised even though, it's killing me. People have a bad habit of leaving and you would think that by now, I'd be used to it but I'm not. Somehow, I'm the only one who stays.

I know I'm a lot to handle, I come across as aggressive and apathetic but I'm really not. I have trust issues, security issues and honestly at this point, I've started to blame myself for people leaving even though I know that it wasn't on me. I have done everything in my power, everything humanly possible for these people and yet, they made me feel like I wasn't worthy of them. Isn't that strange? Someone can brutally rip your heart out and then say you were the problem. And I would do anything to stop it from happening, I will build and rebuild a hundred towers if it means that my heart is safe. The truth is that I'm just a girl standing in front of you, saying you're important to me and scared out of my mind that you don't feel the same.

And now, I know you don't. So I smoke as many cigarettes as my lungs can take and stare at my ceiling from the odd hours of the night to the hours in the morning when the sun breaks the sky for the first time in a glorious bath of gold and orange. I feel the burning sensation on my throat that I'm all too familiar with and suppress it with all my might and power. I rebuild my fortress, tenfold stronger this time and install water filters so that no one can take me by surprise the way you did. Maybe I am the problem. Because whether I show my brokenness or model my wholistic, flaming side - people still leave. 

This sinking feeling I felt moments after I said those words, the aftermath that followed, that was the moment I knew: oh shit, I'm in trouble again ...