Complicated Like That

Duke - 23/01/2023

When I was younger, all I wanted was a puppy. I remember begging my parents every year for one. They never got me a dog. I was 8 years old and they assumed I wouldn't be able to handle the responsibilities that came with being a pet owner. But, deep down, I knew I was meant to have a dog.

I remember the first day you came home. It was just a visit but I instantly loved you. I was so moved by how excited and warm you were. Your big brown eyes looking curiously at everything. Your delightful tail wags that turned into your whole body shaking with glee. It was the most amazing thing I witnessed. A small living animal that listened and stayed. And when it was time for you to leave, I felt a sting in my heart that was unfamiliar.

I also remember the phone call that eventually led to 15 years of absolute happiness. My aunt asked me which of her six dogs I would like to take after she sold her house. Without any hesitation, I happily responded with one word - "Duke"

Yes, from the moment I met you, I knew that I loved you. Perhaps, I wasn't aware of what exactly love entailed. But I knew that I would always love you.

I remember the countdown to the weekend and the restless night before when I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't believe that my wish to have a pet was finally coming true. And there you were in all your brown, black and golden glory. A Jack Russell Cross that was adopted from the local SPCA. Only a couple years old but still young and accepting. I remember how cold and rainy it was. I remember how my parents laid out a mat and a bowl of water for you on our veranda. They left shortly after to get dog food for you. And I remember thinking that it's so cold outside. Duke must be so cold. I ran inside the house and dug in the cupboard until I found the blanket my mother used to wrap me up in as a baby.

I guess it goes to show that actions really do speak louder than words. Because the second I wrapped you in that blanket. You unknowingly became the single most important thing to me. My baby. The source of all of my happiness wrapped up in a little blanket.

My parents were furious when they got home but they could never understand the love I had for you. I fear that even with all my wisdom as a 24 year old with a plethora of vocabulary at my disposal, would never be able to articulate this feeling.

I remember the first time the gate opened and you bolted out of the front yard without a collar or a leash. I ran after you for as long as my little legs could carry me. Absolutely terrified that I would never see you again. I remember sitting on the side of the road, waiting for your return with tears streaming down my face. I cried so much and you didn't even spend a few days with me. I remember calling my aunt in hopes that somehow that would hasten your return. But she said that you were just exploring a new place. When you finally came back, all of my negative emotions disappeared and I petted you until my arms were tired.

I vowed to spend every afternoon with you. Sitting on the veranda in the sun, petting you until you fell asleep. I guess I never really realised what a fundamental difference you've made in my life. You were my sunshine ... literally. Your fur would radiate the sunlight as you ran towards me.

I remember how whenever my parents were mad at me, they always said they would send you away and I would cry for hours because even at that age, I knew that I could not be without you. I also remember the first time you ever got sick and refused to eat. I remember rushing you to the nearest vet with tears threatening to fall as the seconds passed. I remember bursting into tears when the vet advised that they would have to keep you overnight for observation. That night broke my heart.

I remember how you would follow me to school in the morning. And every child adored you. You were the cutest boy. The bestest boy. The love of my life. My first love.

I never knew what love truly was until I had the chance to take care of you. To watch you grow and to watch you grow old. I would have done anything for you. I would give my own life up if it meant that I could see you again for one day. I would undoubtedly spend all 24 hours with you and take as many pictures as I could. I wish you were here, my baby. I wish I could have said goodbye and told you just how much I love you.