Her

63

PHOENIX

"Maise, we're home."

Maisie blinks, several times, rubs her eyes and opens them, slowly.

"Oh," she mumbles. "Yes, we are."

I smile. I remove my keys, look at them for a moment, my thumb wandering over the little seahorse Aza and Maisie got me. I leave the car, open the door on Maisie's side and help her out.

"I don't want to go inside. Can we stay in the car?"

"I'll make hot chocolate."

"See you inside," she says, then heads to the door as fast as she can.

I get our things, then head to the door too.

"Didn't realise that you don't have the keys, did you, Detective?"

"Just open the door," Maisie says, jumping up and down. "Please."

I let us in, watch Maisie's blonde head racing into the kitchen and follow her, slightly amused. I put our things on the ground, then turn on the stove, give my sister some instructions and start working.

"Nix?"

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?"

"What?" I look at Maisie. "Of course I'm okay," I say. "I'm very okay, actually."

"You've been very quiet for a long while."

I hesitate. "Have I?" I say.

"Yes," Maisie says. "It started when we had the picknick, and Aza and I went to the shop."

I stare at her.

"And in the car, you almost didn't talk at all. And when we said goodbye to Aza, you were really weird. You didn't even give her a hug."

I stop and think for a moment. I hesitate. Then I say, "I'm just tired."

It isn't a complete lie. I'm tired of worrying, tired of not knowing, not understanding. I'm tired of the uncertainty, of the fear. I'm tired of the pain. I wish Aza would just tell me what she wants. Tell me that she wants me, us, and make my heart beat twice as fast. Or tell me that she can't do it, that she won't do it, and break my heart in two. I don't care what she says, I just want her to say something, make it fast, make it easy. I want her to tell me, and at the same time, I fear she'll do exactly that. Yet I know that eventually, she will. Eventually, the moment of knowing will come. Knowing what exactly, I don't know yet. But I know that the moment will come; the moment is inevitable. And I don't know if that is good or bad.

Maisie looks at me, her brown eyes containing an unusual seriousness.

"I'm okay," I say.

I give her a smile, trying to convince her as well as myself. She doesn't smile back. She continues looking at me. And then she says, "Are you and Aza in love?"

Her words wipe the smile off my face. I stare at her. I swallow. I try to word my thoughts, but I can't do it. I don't even know what my thoughts are.

"I solved it today," Maisie says. "I know she means a lot to you because of everything you said about her. But today, when I was with you, I finally solved it."

"So," I say, looking at my feet, at the fridge, at anywhere but my little sister, "now I'm one of your cases?" I laugh, trying to joke.

"You're my sister," Maisie says.

I feel my body relaxing, feel warmth rushing through me. But quickly, the warmth is gone and replaced with coldness. Coldness, worry, and fear. I swallow.