Her

26

AZA

I spend the following hours not doing much. I go online, look at some photography, edit some photography. I watch some videos, eat a little, read. I do a bit of homework, I go online again, scroll through the internet. I masturbate. I think, I shower, watch some movie. All the while I don't think about Phoenix. Okay, maybe once. Or maybe twice. Three times maximum, not more than four. I don't think about her too much. Okay, I think about her all the damn time. It's just Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix.

_____

PHOENIX

"So, a dentist."

"A dentist," I say. "Yeah."

"Since when do you want to be a dentist?"

"Since, like, forever."

"Really? Last time I checked you wanted to be an actress."

"You remember that?"

"Phoenix, I was at one of your plays. I went because of Jordan, but still, I was there. I talked to you."

"Oh. Right." I remember that play. It was the last play Xander saw and the last one I was in.

"You're good, really good," Max says. "I could imagine you becoming an actress. But well, you want to become a dentist - or so you say."

"Yeah..."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Fine."

We stop. I look at him. Brown eyes. He's a nice guy. I'm sure he would be a nice boyfriend, a good one. But it wouldn't be fair, would it? I can't make it work - or can I? I can talk to him,  more than to most people. He's kind, charismatic, funny. He's a boy. Maybe I could fall for him. Maybe I just need to try.

"You have really nice eyes," I say.

It's not a lie. They're brown - like Aza's. But hers are darker, more serious. They're larger, they're set wider apart, they're more remarkable. More magnetic. More beautiful.

Max frowns, but smiles. "Thanks. You do too. They're really... I mean, have you ever been told that you have pretty astonishing eyes?"

"Only several times."

He chuckles. "They're very serious. Kind of intimidating."

"Is that a good thing?"

"I'm not sure. I guess so."

"Thanks."

"You're funny, you know?"

"I know."

I take a step closer to him, look into his eyes. Do I want this? I take a breath. Do I want this to be my first kiss? Maybe. I wonder what Aza's doing right now. How is her date going? I wonder what would have happened, would I have kissed her back when I had the chance. If I was Valentina Vos, maybe I would have. I probably would have. But I'm Phoenix LeFlore. Scared, confused, stupid Phoenix Leflore. Now I don't have the chance anymore; now she's probably snogging some stupid prick. Gosh, I wish I could be that stupid prick.

I look at Max. How do you even do this? Do I just grab his face and smash my lips onto his? I have no idea. I take a quick look at his lips, trying to give him a hint. He just looks at me. I take a breath. I look at him, give him what I hope is a seductive look.

"Phoenix, you okay?"

Shit. Why was this so much easier with Aza? Because she's a girl. And you like her. I shake my head, shaking the thoughts off.