Her

11

PHOENIX

Aza doesn't ask me to sit with her at lunch. I don't know if it's because she doesn't want to sit with me or if it's because she doesn't want to ask me. Maybe I was wrong after all, and she doesn't like me. Maybe she's just messing with me. We're still a little mean to each other, but the weird thing is that she's smiling at me a little more now, though I can tell she's trying to hide it. By now I'm pretty sure we are flirting, but I'm not sure she likes me. She seems complicated, but for some reason that makes me like her even more. I wonder if she thinks the same about me.

So I go back to hiding in the closet, reading books and eating on my own. If there is one person I want to talk with about all of this, it's Xander. He didn't know. When he was still alive, I had a feeling I liked girls. I had a feeling, but I didn't tell him. Why I didn't tell him? I thought we had time. I thought maybe one day I'm actually going to fall for a girl, she will like me back, and I could tell Xander about it, nervously but happily.

I was wrong. We didn't have time. You think you always have time, that's how it is. You never expect time to go away, for unexpected things to happen, for time to leave, for time to die. Time is something you don't think about, which you're sure you'll always have. Until you don't.

I turn a page. Suddenly the bell rings. An announcement. There is an assembly in the school gym which all students have to attend. I think of not going. After all, I have a free period. But then I think maybe Aza will be there. And maybe they will actually tell us something important, which maybe is an excuse to see Aza. I get up.

I arrive late. In the last row of the stand I see a familiar head with pink hair. What I also see is an empty seat next to that person. I walk up to the last row - and then I take a seat a row in front of it.

Mr Sanders starts with his speech. He talks about new staff, new students, and a new vending machine. Occasionally there are some pictures shown on a screen. I see the guy sitting next to me playing some game on his phone. I think coming here was a stupid idea. Eric Denton, the head boy, joins the headmasted. I see a new picture on the screen. I realise coming here was a huge mistake. It's a photo of a boy, blond hair, freckles, green eyes and dimples. It's Xander.

"He was a son," Eric says, "a brother, and above all, a friend. Xander LeFlore was one of the best people I have ever met. And it has been almost a year since..."

My mind blanks out. I take a breath. The sounds around me fade away. I hear my heart pumping, and it's the only thing that I can hear. Why is it so cold? Why can't I feel my fingers? I take another breath. Am I fainting? Or am I going crazy? Thump thump. Can the others hear my heart beating? I take a breath. I take another one. I get up. I head to the doors. I take another breath. I open the doors. I breathe. I walk to the bathroom. I enter the bathroom. I want to vomit. I don't vomit. I step to the sink. I put my hands on the sink.

I close my eyes. I see Xander, his grin, his freckles, his green eyes, a smile inside them, always, so different from mine yet the same, yet familiar, so familiar. And gone. Forever gone. Dead. Not here, but still there. I cry. I cover my mouth. I sob. I hope nobody hears me. I want to scream and shout and throw things and punch the mirror in front of me. I want to feel the glass break, want to feel the pain, want to feel something, want to break it, break it the way his death has broken me, the way he has broken me. But what good would that do? What would that change? Nothing. Nothing can bring him back. He's dead.

I hear a door closing, then footsteps. I smell a mixture of dark chocolate, coffee, and forest. I like the mixture. I open my eyes. I look up. Aza.

Aza is standing in the bathroom, a few steps away from me. I stare at her reflection, then look away. I try to wipe away the tears, sniffling and sobbing. Suddenly I feel a hand under my chin. Aza turns my face towards hers. I don't know whether my heart is calming down or beating faster. Then she gently touches the skin of my face with a tissue. She wipes all of my tears away, and when new ones appear, she wipes them away too.

I realise this is the third time Aza is seeing me cry. Normally, no one ever sees me crying. No one ever sees me being emotional, being vulnerable. I don't let them. I don't like it, so I don't let them. Aza has seen me crying, and I don't know how I feel about that.

I have stopped crying. Aza has removed all my tears. She looks at me. She says, "You kind of look like shit."

A small laugh escapes me. I look at her. I hesitate. Then I say, "Thanks." I hope she understands what I'm trying to say. "I, um, should go to class." I don't know why I say it. I don't have to go to class; I have a free period. "Well..." I look at her, carefully. I think. Then I stop thinking. I step forward and plant a soft kiss on her cheek.

Then, I leave, my heart racing.

_____

AZA

Me: caaass
Me: kyyyy

Ky: what

Cass: where are you?

Me: ky, i hate you
Me: cass, i'm in the bathroom
Me: and i have newws

Ky: did you take a massive shit or what

Cass: lol

Me: ew gross
Me: phoenix kissed meeee!!!

Ky: eW gROsS

Cass: what??
Cass: i thought you wanted to check on her and make sure she's ok?

Me: i did

Ky: clearly you did.. ;)

Me: ew gross

Cass: so she's ok?

Me: she is

Ky: so did you bang?

Me: you're disgusting
Me: she just kissed my cheek

Ky: and that's why you're freaking out??

Me: only a little
Me: it was kinda
Me: mAGiCaL

Cass: aww you really like her :)

Me: ew gross
Me: i don't

Ky: yeah right

Cass: don't you have to be in class?

Me: shut up, mum
Me: do you think she likes me?

Ky: she kissed your cheek
Ky: and it was MAgICaL
Ky: clearly she hates you

Me: :)))
Me: i feel bad tho
Me: everything makes more sense now
Me: and i was such a dick

Ky: you mean 'am'

Me: stfu

Cass: you couldn't have known
Cass: just don't be a dick anymore
Cass: or try not to, it must be hard for you

Me: stfu
Me: from now on i'll be the opposite of a dick

Ky: a vagina?

Me: yep
Me: i'll be a vagina now

Cass: you two are so weird

Ky: thanks