Her

27

PHOENIX

10pm. I'm sitting on the bus, crying. I keep it as quiet as possible, but I still take in some people staring. I guess it's all of it - the tulle dress, the smudged makeup, the ruined hair, the breathing, the sobs, the hiccups. I look like a mad person. Someone approaches me and asks me if I'm okay. I can't come up with anything at all, start crying harder, and yell at them to fuck off. I also yell some other things. After that, no one approaches me. I'm an official mad person.

The bus stops. It's not my station. Without thinking I get out. I walk, cry, walk. I stop. Aza's trailer. The lights are on. I knock, three times. I wait. I think, what if she's not alone? What if she's with him? I turn around. I walk, fast. Not fast enough.

AZA

My first thought is that it's Cass and Ky. I get up, groaning, rip the door open. My second thought is that I'm dreaming. Is that really Phoenix in a crazy tulle dress, walking - almost running - away? My annoyance turns into confusion. Then I recognise the X on the back of her neck and that's when the confusion turns into concern.

PHOENIX

"Phoenix?"

I freeze. I don't turn around. I continue walking, start running. The stupid heels make me trip. I land on the ground, ruining the dress. "Fuck," I say. I feel my eyes filling with tears again; I try to keep them in. "Fuck." I try to get up, but my feet won't work. Nothing works. I take in someone standing in front of me. I look away. They get down to me, hold out a hand to me. I don't take it. A moment later, I feel a warm, strong hand slipping into mine and lifting me up.

I smell chocolate. I look into brown, beautiful eyes. I try to say 'thanks', but the only thing that comes out is another hiccup. "It's okay," Aza says. "Come on. Let's get inside." We somehow end up in her trailer. She guides me to her bed, helps me to sit down on it. She gets down, takes off the stupid heels, gets up.

"Do you want me to get you something? Tea? Water? Chocolate?"

I shake my head. "Just want..." I stop. I sob. "You," I whisper. "Aza." I don't know if she heard it, and I don't know if I want her to have heard it.

AZA

When I hear her say my name, that's when the 5% fade away. Those fucking 5% are just gone, they just disappear. It's just 100%, it's just her, it's just Phoenix.

PHOENIX

I feel her sitting down next to me, close. I feel the strength I have left disappearing. I lean onto her, fall into her. She hugs me, holds me. I sob into her shirt, into her neck. She doesn't say anything, she just holds me. She doesn't ask me any questions, doesn't ask me what happened, doesn't ask me why I'm crying like a baby.

But I tell her, I tell her everything. I tell her what today is. I tell her what my mother wanted me to do today. I tell her what she wanted me to do when I was ten; I tell her how I found her in bed with a man who wasn't my father, and tell her how she told me not to tell anyone. I tell her how I kept it a secret, but eventually told my father. I tell her how it felt like everyone got mad at me, and how it felt like I ruined my family. I tell her how perfect my father's new family is, and how imperfect the one he left behind is.

I tell her how much I miss Xander, how much I loved him. I tell her that sometimes I wish he wouldn't have saved that woman. I tell her that the woman was pregnant, but that sometimes I still wish he wouldn't have saved her.

I tell her how much my mother loved him, how she always loved him more than me. I tell her how I always loved him, but how sometimes I didn't. I tell her how sometimes I hated him for being good, being better, being him, and I tell her how sometimes I hate myself for not being good enough, being worse, being me.

I tell her what my mother said earlier and what she didn't say. I tell her that sometimes I agree with her, that sometimes I wish it would have been me instead of him. I tell her that sometimes I wish he would be here, and not me.

And when there's nothing left to say, Aza takes my face into her hands, lifts it up, looks me in the eyes and says, "You are here, Phoenix. And you should be." It makes me cry even harder, so she hugs me and holds me tighter. She tells me it's okay, that I'll be okay, strokes me, holds me. She's there for me.