Her

13

PHOENIX

Saturday. 12.05pm.

hello

it's me

adele?

phoenix.

dragon.

fuck you.

fuck you too.

how creative

shut up

shut up yourself

hOW cReATivE

i know

kinda thought you'd never text me

i was bored

plus you don't want an f for that project, right?

right

thought you had to work?

i do

see you, dragon

i hope not

moron

you will

genius

_____

PHOENIX

Monday. Lunchtime.

"Hi."

I look up, perplexed. "Aza."

"Phoenix."

She puts her lunch on the table and sits down.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm having lunch."

"With... me?"

"No, with the girl over there." She nods towards a different table.

"I don't - what?"

"With you, Phoenix. I'm having lunch with you."

"You are?"

"Well, yeah." She looks at me. I blink at her. She quickly adds, "Unless you don't want to."

"No - I mean yes. Yes, I want -" I clear my throat. "I mean..." I roll my eyes. "If you really need to sit with me, you can."

"Yes, I really need to."

"Okay."

"Okay."

She picks up her fork. "You know, I actually only came for your tomatoes." She spears one and brings it to her smiling lips.

"Well, you know, I actually only let you sit here because of your coffee." I pick up her cup of coffee. I take a sip and almost spit it out. "What the hell is this?"

"It's coffee."

"More like pure sugar. No offence, but your taste is awful. Or actually, offence intended; your taste is awful."

"I don't think my taste is awful at all." She looks at me, in a way that makes me think I'm her taste. I try not to look like a nervous mess.

"So what's your taste then?" she asks.

You, I think. I say, "I like black coffee."

"Black coffee?" She frowns.

"Black coffee." I smile.

"Wow," I hear someone saying, "I think this is the first time I'm seeing the princess smiling."

Ky plumps down in the seat beside me. He is accompanied by Cass, who sits down next to Aza.

"It's also the last," I say.

"Probably is."

My eyes travel to the blonde girl who has just joined us. She smiles at me and says, "I don't think we've met. I'm Cassandra, but you can call me Cass." She holds out her hand to me. My first instinct is to slap it away. But then I tell myself she's Aza's best friend. But for some reason, that doesn't help. Finally, I take her hand for about less than a second, hoping I haven't hesitated for too long. "Phoenix," I say.

"Nice to meet you, Phoenix," she says, still smiling.

Ky starts talking about one of his teachers, which results in him complaining about his teacher. Then the others somehow start a discussion about the food in the cafeteria, and I mostly stay out of it. Occasionally, Ky says a few things to me, probably trying to include me in the conversation. It's not really working, but I decide I like Ky, while I'm not sure what to think of Cass. She smiles a lot, which unsettles me. Overall she looks like a smiling, blonde, blue eyed angel. She also seems to be very close with Aza. Sometimes she touches her, which evokes an unfamiliar, uncomfortable heat inside of me.

At the end of lunch, I have decided that I don't like Cass. I tell myself it's because she smiles too much, and though that might be part of why I don't like her, I deep down know that it's because of something else.

_____

PHOENIX

11pm. I'm in my bed, lights on, phone in my hands - again. And I'm scrolling through Aza's instagram profile - again. I click through her pictures, looking at them, reading captions and comments. I find one where she's looking directly into the camera, her wide set eyes large and brown. I scroll down. And then I, somehow, end up liking it. Shit. Crap. Fuck. I immediately unlike it - so fast and clumsily that I end up liking it again. I groan, curse myself. I remove the like.

I go over to my own profile, think of completely changing it - my name, my photos, everything -, then decide that that's ridiculous. I look at my profile. There are only very few posts, most of them not showing myself. A few scenes, some buildings, some art, some movie stuff, things I thought looked cool. Because that's what social media is about; looking cool. I deleted everything after Xander's death and haven't posted much since. The only reason why I kept my profile is my acting career. And, I guess, to stalk people.

I go back to Aza's profile. I find Cass's profile, find Ky's profile, realise that both of them are following me. Should I follow back? I find reasons not to do it, find reasons to do it. I do it. Suddenly, I get a notification: ainsaza started following you. I stare at the words. Then, new ones appear: ainsaza liked your photo. She liked my most recent one, me, behind me a wall with art. I grin, like a huge dork. And then: damn, that's a fine work of art.

Aza left a comment on my post. She left a compliment. She left a compliment. I like her comment, like her most recent post, follow her back. I reread her comment. She's flirting with me - or is she? She sounds a little like a stupid boy trying to hit on a girl. But I don't care. It makes me smile. She makes me smile.