Be With Me

Chapter 61

"What he said, making things quite simple, is that he still loves you." Tony told her. "So, what's so impossible in there if he still loves you? When love is still alive, everything is possible, even surpass the crisis you two are going through."

"I don't think I know how to gain him back. I love him, today I confirmed that. Even when he was yelling at me and saying horrible things, all I wanted was to hold him tight and say it was going to be alright. I just don't know how to deal with him now, how talk to him, what to do, you know? Everything is weird for me since I left the hospital. I don't know how to connect with people anymore, it's even weird to talk to my parents, let alone him, who I hurt deeply when he was hurting deeply too, and I even hurt him more. Tony, sometimes it crosses my mind to go back to the hospital and never get out of there. I feel unprotected, I don't know how to explain it. I feel disconnected of the world."

"Rafi, we talked about this zillions of times when you were about to get out. I told you you'd feel that way, and I also told you that it would take some time for you to get back to your regular life. Things don't happen in a blink of an eye; you must adapt again. Most of all, and I insist on this, you must learn how to trust people again. I could witness today, how you are surrounded by people who love you, and that's the first step for you to be alright again. Trust your friends. Give yourself to them the way you used to before and things will go wonderful. Every one of them was happy to have you back, and even him, even if he yelled at you and told you horrible things, it shows how glad he is you are alright. It also shows how much he loves you, because he does. Don't tell me you cannot see that. When he told you that he hated you because you were always on his mind, he was telling you everything you need to know, so maybe you must give him a chance too. Wouldn't you like to have him back?"

"I am afraid..." She whispered.

"Because he brings back all those memories that took you to the hospital?" Rafaela nodded. "He's the father of your child. That man doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. You were once happy with him; you can be happy with him again. You just have to give him and yourself that chance. None of you can change what happened, but you can start over. You went to the hospital to start over Rafi, look at you... you're out, you're beginning to live again. He lost the same son you did... It's common to both of you. Remember that shaking him away from your life was your last drop to lead you to the hospital where we met, wasn't it?"

"Yes..." Rafaela agreed.

"There's nothing wrong with trying then. If he says no, then you go on, but don't stay with that doubt inside of you. It's harder to live with an if than with a certainty." Tony instigated her. James has always been her biggest concern during her therapy. His name was the one that would pop up the most during sessions, apart from their son's death.

"I don't know where to begin. I am horrible at talking to people now, let alone him!" She was doubtful.

"First, you have to say you're sorry. That's what I think he wants to hear from you first." He advised. "You did something that hurt him deeply, so you have to apologize. He is waiting for you to apologize."

"Thank you Tony." She went to hold him.

"You are my favorite patient and you know it." Tony laughed.

In bed already, the events of that day began to play in her head again. Then her conversation with Tony who was her mentor, her help, her doctor, her guiding hand on that rough moment of her life. Her head turned to look at the cell phone on her nightstand and she thought for a while. Her arm reached for it and she began to text, "I am sorry for all the hurt I caused you.", then she searched for James number and remained with her finger on send for a couple of time, not sure if she should do it or not. Finally, she did it and only put the cell back on the nightstand once "message sent" appeared on the display. First time she used his phone number in months, still she turned the light off feeling a certain relief she did. Tony was right, she owed him an apology, maybe a text wasn't the right way of doing it, but at least it was something and the only way she could do it that moment. Her eyes closed and she fell asleep minutes later.