Pushed & Pulled

Chapter 4: Lost

You don't realize how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

-Unknown-

I wipe the sweat from my forehead. I'm running, I've been running for a while now. I need to clear the emotional fog that's clouding my head, the weather today helps. The sun still sleeps behind the clouds, and the mix of rain and ocean breeze is comforting. I'm running opposite of Cameron's house; I tell myself I don't want to see him, but so much of me does, that part of me is saying; you deserve to be happy again. He followed behind me last night, calling out my name a few times, lucky for me he took the hint I wasn't ready to talk with him again. I have so many emotions running through me right now, I can't tell my fingers from my toes. Cameron makes me feel safe, like I have a chance to possible be happy again or have joy in my life and maybe dare I say love again, but he also overwhelms me by no fault of his own. Being with him pushes out the deep throbbing pain I still feel when I think about Damon, forcing me to confront those feelings. I know I have to make myself believe I'm not betraying Damon, Damon is gone, but I still carry the heavy ache of loss in my heart. It's to soon, I don't feel I'm ready to have a relationship, especially a sexually one, although smaller, it still feels like a betrayal, but my body betrays me, it doesn't care what my heart wants or feels, it wants him, and I think he knows it.

As I run up my deck to my patio door, the little hairs on the back of my neck stand. I rub the back of my neck. Slowly turning around I look out towards the beach then on to the other houses that are next to mine, but I see nothing, I see no one. This is the forth time I've had a feeling like someone is watching me. I feel less afraid knowing Cameron is only two houses down, I know he's home, I saw him leaving his house with his dog for their morning walk down the beach. I decided to still do my warm down stretches outside on my patio but with my earbuds out. I may be less worried with Cameron so close, but I'm not stupid. I did take some self defense classes, Damon insisted on it before he left the first time. I chuckle as I recall the conversation Damon and I had.

"Ammo please just humor me and go and take some self-defense classes". His voice full of frustration. Is that really a good idea? I give him a serious look; do you really want me to be able to kick your ass? But I can't hold a straight face and start to giggle. "Ambrosia. Damn it just do it!" "Okay babe. I'm just giving you a hard time. I'll take the classes." "Thank you." He sighs with relief. "I just want you safe." "I know, I love you." "And I love you."

The next week flies by in a rush, and before I know it, it's Friday. I purposely avoided Cameron all week and when he came in with his mother for her post-op appointment, I hid in the file room like a coward. I felt ashamed since I practically asked him to come with her. He left me a message after they left, asking me to please come by his house after work, I'm considering it, just thinking about it makes me smile. I'm so torn, I just want my heart to make up its mind already, part of me says your cheating on your deceased husband, how that make sense I don't know, the other tells me he's going to help heal you and possibly make you happy again. 

I briefly hear my name being called. Snapping myself from my thoughts I call out "Yes" over my shoulder. I hear the door close a second later, and a sick feeling spreads through me when I hear the lock click into place. All the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and somehow before I even see him I know its Doctor Brice, coming to make good on his promise he made a few weeks back. 

I regret now more then ever hiding like a coward, I've put myself in a very uncomfortable situation. "I am not a coward." I tell myself. I come out to find Dr. Brice leaning against the small table by the exit, blocking my only way out. He has a smirk on his face like, "I finally got you alone."  "Dr. Brice." I say lifting my chin. "Is there something you need?" I see his eyes slowly rake up and down my body before he stands and walks my direction. He prowls slowly and methodically like a lion would stalk its prey. I visibly shiver and start to slowly back away to try to keep some distance between us.