Pushed & Pulled

Chapter 2: Him

The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others.

-Mahatma Gandhi-

Today is different, today is going to be a better day, every day is a day closer to healing completely. I repeat this Mantra in my head over and over as I lay in my bed, something that my therapist suggested I do to help get through the days that are as dark as my heart feels. Who am I kidding! It's been six months since I lost Damon, I don't feel any better. Healing comes with time. I hear my therapist Diane. Yeah well, I guess not for me. Today is not going to be that day. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and Damon is going to be here, beside me. 

Right now, I focus on getting dressed, a simple task that has become something I don't need to think about I just do it, much like my new job at the Santa Cruz medical center, getting a job at the hospital has been my God send, the only thing that requires a hundred percent of my full attention. when I'm working, I don't have time to think about anything else but the task at hand, which is why I'm getting into my car at four-thirty in the morning and driving the forty miles to the hospital. 

"Good morning Ambrosia!" I hear a cheerful voice behind me. "Oh, good morning Sarah." I give a small wave and work my way to my locker to put my bag away. "Got any plans for the rest of the weekend?" She asks. "Umm not sure." I shrug while shoving my bag in. "Well, a couple of us are going to hit the bar after work if you would like to join us?" Her voice sounds so hopeful. "Yeah maybe, I'll let you know." I hear the words I say, and even I don't believe them. Sarah is really nice, and she has asked me to join them for drinks every week since I started working here three months ago, a part of me is not ready to open up to people, not yet, not when the wounds of my past still bleed. They give me space, another part of why I love this job, probably the only thing I'll ever really love again. I know if Diane heard me say that she would demand I come in for three sessions a week instead of one. "Well... just think about it okay." "I will." I hear her sigh as I walk away to get report on my patients.

Five hours later I'm in the zone, and feeling like I have a purpose, yet another reason I really enjoy my job. I'm passing by the waiting area looking for a seventy-year-old patient that likes to leave his room and wonder the hall. I'm just passing an open room when all of a sudden, a tingling warmth races down my body jolting me to a stop. I turn around and glance over the faces of passing visitors visiting their family members. I shrug and brush it off as nothing and continue to search for my sweet patient. 

"Mr. Gilbert, there you are! Come on let's get you back to your room, you know you're not supposed to be wondering around." Mr. Gilbert is a sweet thin man with happy wrinkles all over his face. He looks over at me from a window he's sitting at, at the end of the hall. "I know my darling but, then I wouldn't have you chasing after to find me." He winks at me with his warm and welcoming eyes. Laughing I pat Mr. Gilbert's hand. "I will always come find you, but I don't want you to get hurt, besides who will I read to during my lunch break if you're not here?" I frown "Okay my darling I'll behave." He says as he stands up from the chair, but his mischievous smile tells me otherwise. "Thank you."  

After I help Mr. Gilbert back down the hall to his room, I hear my name being called. "Ambrosia!" Dr. Brice calls me, I feel myself cringe, I don't like him. He makes me feel so uncomfortable. He gets to close for comfort, always brushing against me. I still wear my wedding band which I hope keeps him at bay but the way he looks at me I know a simple ring wouldn't stop him from asking me out. He seems like he could get extremely aggressive if he wanted to, big build, dark almost black empty eyes. Lay off the steroids buddy. I think to myself. Definitely not my type. "Yes" Dr. Brice? I give my fake smile, reserved only for rude patients and him. "When your done can you prep room four for her surgery?" "Yes Dr. Brice I'll be right there." He gives me his creepy smile and walks away. I shake myself with relief I didn't have to talk to him longer.