My Inner Thoughts

"A Lullaby for the Troubled Soul" A Free Verse Poem

"I'm sorry" is my anthem

My lullaby

It signifies all things wrong in my blood

And all the things I've never done

I bother you

No need to experience me

I already know it's true

You can tell my mood

By the volume of my voice

The louder I am

The more I hate myself

I'm a beating drum in a sea of silence

When there's a fire

I'm the alarming siren

I scream passion through desperation

"NOTICE ME" please...

don't see through my transparency

Others define my personality

By what i've created myself to be

But in reality

lookIng in the mirror, I can't identify who I'm seeing

I guess I put on a great show

Everyone I know

sitting in the front row

Ready to see who I've created next

They have given me a standing O

But they're only cheering

For a person

I've created out of fear

Back when I knew my name

And what that meant to me

I knew nothing but hate

And unkindness

In realizing who I was

My mirror fogged up

And I stepped into a shell of shamefulness

I was back to square one

so I built again from the ground up

A perfect facade of deception

She was kind and wise

She saw the world with bright eyes

And gave so much that there was none left for herself

I thought it necessary

To pay for who I used to be

But letting everyone stomp all over me

This worked for years

Until those fears

Came back to haunt me

Now I can't tell the difference between want and need

So I just ask for neither

And back into a corner

Where I can't bother anyone

It's become an addiction

To make my life a restriction

Sacrifices must me made

so everyone else can live happily

Except for me

but what does that matter anyway

I'm just a waste of space

Floating away

To a empty place

Alone and isolated

Surviving on self hate

Thriving on how no one can be bothered this way

Ironically

The enemy

Is my own mind

Betraying itself

I guess when I was retraining

My body

I guess when I was rewiring

My personality

There was an extra cord cut

A wire twisted into a knot

So my mind promotes self hatred

It makes sure every thought is manipulated

Before a voice relays the next message

Now every conversation I have

Brings me to the brink of an anxiety attack

Because all I can think about

Is how every word coming out of my mouth

Are ones I don't need to say

My opinion doesn't need to be heard

Because no one wants to hear it

It's useless information

No matter what the truth actually is

My depression is only still living

Because it feeds off of every time

I'm convinced

by lies from my own mind

Telling me

I bother everyone I see

no one wants to look at me

So I always say "sorry"

I drift off to sleep

Thinking the same things

About how I don't deserve to be happy

I can't help but struggle with this disease

So before I go to sleep

I say "I'm sorry"

So I don't have to always feel like the bad guy

and now I've made It my lullaby