Matt Vs Josh.

Chapter Twenty Nine - The Party Scene.

Rain poured down the windows of our cab, I guess you could say that was the first sign we were back in the UK, but oddly enough I welcomed the rain it felt, it felt good along with the cold on my skin, I can go back to wearing full length jeans and not burn to death, to say our time in LA was bad would be wrong, but there are certain moments that will play on my mind forever, including the moment I realised what a mistake I was making, the moment I realised I was in love with Matthew Barnes. 

The memory of our kiss flashed into my mind, the feel of his hands on my skin, the water around our waists, the hotness of his breath, I felt a icy smile pull at the corners of my mouth, I was completely lost in my own fantasy, Imagining what would have happened if my continence didn't make me run. 

"What you thinking about?"  I turned to Josh and plastered a fake smile on my lips, to mask the disappointment of his interruption, he rubbed my hand and waited patiently for an answer, I looked down towards my batted converse and racked my brains. 

"Everything, my Dad, the band, Dan" I picked out random thoughts from my brain, I was worried about all of these things, me and my Dad haven't spoken in a while, and as for the band, it took them 2 days to finish everything up in la and return home, nobody is talking to each other, little arguments becoming big debates, Dan is still hell bent on leaving after the sinners tour, Josh pretends he doesn't care but I can tell its hurting him, there like brothers. 

"Your Dads a busy man you've said that yourself, and as for Dan he will come around don't worry" Josh seemed non-plussed like he didn't care either way, I seriously wanted to hit him, how can he just sit there and act like everything will be okay, when we both know its not.  

"I honestly don't get how you can be so happy?" I had enough, ever since me and Josh reconciled he had been happier than ever, everything was falling apart and he was constantly grinning like a fool, he had never been this nice, sometimes I felt like punching his smarmy little face in for no reason. 

"What do you mean so happy?" His expression turned sour he spat out each word putting enfasis on the so happy.

"Everything you've known and loved for the past four years, your best friend who you've loved for just as long is about to leave and everything is falling apart, how can you just act like its nothing and hes gonna come running back tail between legs with no influence"  The taxi pulled up outside Josh's house and Josh's hand quickly went to open up the door, he half climbed out of the car. 

"Because I have to act like that, I have to believe everything is fine, because I cant deal with it not being" He shut the door of the cab behind him and left me stat staring at the back of the drivers head, I pulled out some money from my purse and payed out fare, Josh had both of our suitcases rolled up to the front door, he marched right upstairs and into his bedroom dragging both suitcases with him. 

I walked into the living room and dropped my coat on the ground, I know its weird but the second it fell I had the strangest urge to pick it back up and hang it, not because I'm a clean freak but because it felt rude like I was just dropping my coat in a random house, then it hit me I didn't get that relief you get after a vacation when you walk through the door and think thank god I'm hope put on the kettle, It felt like I was just passing through, like I didn't belong. 

The realisation of my life started to hit me, I loved Josh but was that even enough anymore, in my mind he just didn't compare to Matt, his heavy angry footsteps vibrated the ceiling above me and I just fell to the ground, I don't want to be in this relationship, I don't want to be in this house, my place is in his arms, and I cant even do that, I'm trapped.