Life with Evans

Space

"So are you guys planning a long engagement?" Carley was asking at the Christmas meal? We'd announced our engagement as a bit of a Christmas surprise for everyone.

"Well, dunno, maybe not all that long. After New York, it's the next marvel stuff. It might be cool to do it round the summer maybe?" He looked down at me next to him and smiled. In actual fact we'd not really talked much about it. He was deep into technical prep for his movie and hadn't had a chance to think of much else.

"Sounds like a plan to me" I squeezed his knee under the table.

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"Man, I'm beat!" He flopped into bed. Filming had got off to a great start but it was night shoots and Chris was finding it tough going. In the day he'd go through everything they'd filmed the night before, 8-8 they'd shoot; he'd act and direct and then sleep for a few hours before starting the whole thing again and it was taking its toll.

"Take some time off then" I snuggled up next to him and rubbed his chest.

"We both know that's not gonna fucking happen 'Lis! Training starts in a few weeks, and I'm barely gonna have time to breath, let alone take fucking time off!" He snapped back and then realised what he'd said, I sat up and moved away. "Fuck, I'm sorry" he tried to grab my hand back as I got up and went to the bathroom.

I sat on the edge of the bath as he padded in slowly and leant in the door way. I tried to look past him, to not let him soppy face get to me. "I'm sorry," he cocked his head to one side and repeated himself.

"Yeah. Ok" I was getting a little stressed out by his constant snapping. We were meant to be having fun together in New York. I wanted to spend time with him, for us to spend the spring as a newly engaged, happy couple. Instead, we crossed paths once in a while in our new apartment which felt far too big. He came and knelt in front of me, his hands on my knees.

"Hey, look at me" he lifted my chin and my gaze. "I didn't mean to snap. I really shouldn't have spoken to you like that" he rubbed his chin, and ran his hands through his hair.

"You're tired" I tried to have some answer, some way of making myself believe my own words and I took a deep breath. He sat back on the floor and slumped against the wall beside us.

"I'm so fucking tired. I just don't know... I mean, I'm struggling a bit" he looked washed out.

"I know. I'm sorry I stomped off" I moved from the bath and sat next to him on the floor, our fingers intertwined in the space between us. "Look, I might head back to my mum's for a bit, or maybe go and see Tom in London." He looked up a twinge of panic in his eyes. "I just don't want you to feel like you have to waste any more energy on me"

"Lis, it's not wasting fucking energy-" I didn't let him finish.

"- I'm gonna go, Chris. Not because of you, but for you. You can just slob about, and sit and chill when you can. You don't have to worry about heading out or entertaining me" I turned and stroked his cheek, his blue eyes looked icy and sad.

"Will anything I say make you stay?" He asked pulling me into his lap.

"Probably" I smiled. "But, I love you, so much and It's not for long, just a few weeks. We'll miss each other... it'll be good"

"Nothing about me being a dick, and then you leaving is good..." I silenced him with a kiss.

"Don't over think it, I'm not leaving I'm just heading home for a bit. Come on, bed and we'll talk more in the morning" I stood and took his hand back to bed.

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I flew back to Boston the next afternoon and stayed with my parents. Chris called all of the time and I did my best to reassure him that we were ok.

"Are you though?" Scott asked as we went out for drinks.

"We really are. He's just knackered and I was just being a burden and I couldn't keep up with him being snappy and grumpy all of the time" I sipped my drink waiting for him to defend his brother.

"Tired Chris is a dick" he smiled. "So let's do some thing to let him know everything's good"

"You sound like you have a plan?" I tilted my head to one side as a grin spread across Scott's face.

"I may have. Have you done any wedding planning yet?" He picked up his phone and started trying to find something.

"I've thought a little yes, but nothing properly. Why?"

"Well I was thinking maybe we could go try and find you a dress. Or at least plan a day to get everyone together to go shopping for it, we could just try-"

"-Yes! That sounds like a great idea!" I interrupted a little excited and we started looking at booking a slot in one of the Boston shops and text around mums and Carley and Shan to see who wanted to come.

Me - your brother and I have just booked for me to find a wedding dress

Evans - well that makes me feel a whole lot better :) will I get to see? Xx

Me - well yeah, eventually, like on our wedding day ;) xxx I miss you

Evans - then come back to New York! Xxx

I didn't reply. I knew that if I went back things wouldn't be any better for him really and there was just a few weeks to go before prep and the end of his filming. He needed space and I needed to not cave!