girl crush [ idols x idol!oc ]

girl crush [ thirty seven ]

"you're such a slut, choi sooji," i heard someone say behind me, after we filmed the final episode of the drama eunwoo and i have been working for.

to say that i was surprised seem minor to what i really felt. why would someone tell me that? i mean, every idol do receive some hate every now and then, but why would someone dare say it to me personally?

i felt my heart clenching, my mind and heart processing what the person has told me. i was a slut. i was a slut. i was a slut.

"don't even try to reason out with me. everyone knows about it. you're dating donghyuk for the fame and being friends with eunwoo for the same purpose. you're taking advantage of their feelings, knowing that you can wrap them around your little finger. well, you're everyone's girl crush, so i won't be surprised if they're not mesmerized by your beauty and talent. too bad, your head is full of air, tsk tsk. you should just hide or die." said the same person.

i was about to turn around to face her, but when i did, all i saw was a girl about my age running away from me. i didn't even get to see her face.

my eyes stung. i felt like the words she said has made cuts, deep cuts in my whole body. knives. it was how her words seemed like.

i was thinking deeply about it, but my mind kept telling me that what she was saying is true. maybe i really was. maybe i was a slut. maybe i-

"sooji, what's wrong? by the way, we'd have to get back to korea later tonight so you better get some rest. eunwoo is already on his way back because he has to do something else in korea around this hour. take a rest," said our manager, but i only nodded even though i was out of it.

i was scared. to be honest, i really was. i was so used to the love our fans have been giving us, endlessly, that i forgot haters even existed. i forgot how words can hurt you, can cut you deep and leave scars. i forgot.

"yes, manager," i just answered, and then went straight to my hotel room.

breathing in deeply, i stared at the ceiling of my hotel room. the room seemed fancy, and the bed was very neatly made, so i started thinking that maybe this bed symbolized azes. azes is an aspiring group, but with me in it, i think i just dirtied the group's reputation. who would have thought that a maknae like me would be the one being like this?

i thought deeper into the situation, until aina unnie called us on the group chat. she was requesting a video call, and i answered. although i did answer, i faced the camera to the ceiling because i was scared about what they might think if they saw my puffy eyes and them still being teary.

i don't know what got into me that i started being soft hearted, but it just happened. i couldn't keep myself from crying.

seeing aina unnie and everyone else's face, they were smiling. they were all happy, but i couldn't bring myself to show my face to them. i might bring down their happiness.

i gave our manager the things i will give them once i get back to korea, because i might have to do some interviews with different stations alone. i'm not even sure if i'll be back in... it will be received by them right away after manager gets to the dorm, so there will be no problem.

"yah, sooji, why not show your face?" asked aina unnie, and i just chuckled.

"well, i'm pretty sleepy and i don't want you to see my ugly sleepy face," i lied, and then bit my lower lip.

"but we love your face anyway. stop it, show us," said minsoo unnie, so i smiled sadly and then pointed the front camera at myself.

my eyes looked tired, less puffy than earlier, but it still looked horrible. i looked like i haven't slept well in ages, although that part was true.

"wah, uri maknae is so tired. once you go home, our albums are gonna be released so we're all gonna have to work together as a group again! i miss your stubbornness, to be honest," said aina unnie, making me chuckle.

sorry unnie, but i think i only trouble you all. everything about azes is linked with me, every issue i get involved with, they're all reflected back to azes.

"unnies, i wanna sleep," i whispered, and then they both nodded.

"okay, have a good sleep, okay? we'll wait for you," unnies said, and i just nodded.

except that i won't be back.

because i'll run away. right here, right now. hide away, just like that girl earlier mentioned.