❦ sᴇᴏɴɢsᴀɴɢ {✓}

Hongjoong (pt. 1)...

Hongjoong's pov:

After Mingi's and Yunho's happy moment, there was a short silence.
Everyone looked lost in their own thoughts. I was about to tell everyone that we should sleep when suddenly Yeosang spoke.

"Now that I think about it... I've never seen Hongjoong hyung talking about himself." he looked at me.

"What do you want to know about me Yeosangie?" I smiled.

"Hmmm... Anything..." he trailed off when suddenly Jongho interrupted, "Tell us about your love life." he chuckled which resulted in an instant frown on my face. His chuckle quickly vanished looking at the frown.

That was the last thing I ever wanted to talk about. I sighed. I looked at Seonghwa. His eyes were full of pity.

"Let's talk about something else Jongho, it's a sensitive topic for Joongie... Please understand." Hyung said, getting up.

"Uh, no it's okay... I have to tell them about it someday anyway... And we all are a team so you guys deserve to know everything." I said gesturing Seonghwa to sit down.

"But-" the elder looked concerned.
I sighed.

"I'm going to talk a lot today... I don't even know how to begin..." I started

I still clearly remember those two weeks of August.

Misa.

Locking myself in the cold room, I held the piece of paper. I did not want to open it and read the letter but I wanted to know. I wanted to know why. Why was she so desperate. Why did she do that. Why did she betray me. Why did she leave me.

My hands were as cold as ice. Gathering all the tiniest bravery left in me, I opened the letter.

▪️

Dear Joongie,

How are you? I know I don't even deserve to write this to you but I knew you won't be able to focus on anything else without finding answers.

First of all, if you've received this, please say thanks from me to Soyeeon.... It means she has completed the the job of being a very loyal friend by sneaking it to you.

Second of all, please keep this in mind that I was in love with you, I'm still in love with you and I forever will....

And third thing, my main motive behind writing this -
I'm sorry Joongie... I really am. You've known me for a couple of years now, so you must've been confused about how the hell did I become so weak.
I know, my determination and power to stay strong in tough times was the reason you started liking me. But I really don't know sweetie, I don't know what happened to me lately.

I felt depressed, powerless, helpless. Even though you were always with me, I felt weak.

Bloody cancer.... Haha it's funny right? I never told you about it because I was afraid how broken you would've been but yes, I had stomach cancer. Stage 4.

It is painful. Even while writing this, it's paining. My whole body is feeling weak Hongjoong, I need help. I need you by my side right now.

But I know I won't be there to receive your warm hugs and forehead kisses till you've read this. I'm already missing you sweetie... But I can't bear this anymore. I'm sorry, I've failed you...but this growing pain...

I'm really sorry for ignoring you and cancelling all our dates past few weeks. Your suspicion was true... I was really seeing some other guy...but it was my doctor haha. I'm sorry, you see I'm still terrible at jokes.

Doctor said I need to stay positive. I really was at the beginning... However I started losing hope. I lost my appetite.

Remember once you asked me why wasn't I eating my sandwich and I said it was because I was looking at your sweet face the whole time? Oops, well apparently it was because I couldn't just eat haha, you're not sweet. Just kidding just kidding. You're the sweetest and I could stare at you forever.

Nowadays, I skip meals. I've lost so much weight. I look like a living corpse anyway, so what's the point in going on living like this anyways, isn't it? That's why I finally am deciding to do this.

I'm weak now but this final decision I made is courageous. Please be proud of me for my last gesture atleast. I know, I've been an horrible girlfriend but don't ever forget me or I'll haunt you literally, haha.

Hmm... I'm talking a lot, isn't it? I guess I should stop now. I don't want my Joongie to cry.

Oh but before I say goodbye forever, let me just tell you that I love you Hongjoong, even if I'm not there I love you. But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to see someone else.

Please find someone who you love very much and who'll love you more than I did....and who is not as weak as me.

And please stay strong. Always. You are an amazing person, the best person I've ever met.

Bye now, it hurts. Oh, not my cancer... Saying goodbye hurts. But please stay happy.

Love you,
Your Misa

▪️

I clenched the letter in my hands, tears continously flowing down my cheeks. I read the letter again and again. Laughing like a maniac at the small jokes in the letter.

I could see her face in front of me. Her smile, the way she hugged me, the face she made when she saw a bug crawling on her shoulder... And the pain she was suffering while writing her own suicide note.

My mind was completely messed up. Just few days ago, I was informed that my girlfriend had hung herself in her room. I was already broken and today the letter Soyeoon gave me shattered my heart to pieces.

"Hongjoong sweetie, please open the door. You need to eat." I heard my mom knocking on the door. I still had the letter in my hand. My whole body was shaking and shivering.

I did not reply. Instead, I just pulled up the blankets and curled up. I did not have anymore tears left to cry.

After a long series of knocks, my mom stopped. I could hear her loud sigh. She spoke again, "Joongie... Please eat. You can't starve forever."

"Just leave me alone" I yelled, which made her leave.

I tried to sleep but just couldn't. The incidents from past few days were haunting me.

Just then I heard another knock on my door. Fully irritated I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Just leave me alone I said!!"

However, I paused after listening to the voice outside my door.

"I'm Seonghwa Joongie. Please open the door."

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A/N :

Hi guys. I know this is a sensitive topic and I wanted to write about it from past few days.
Always remember, suicide is never a way out. Whenever someone commits a suicide, that might be the the end of that person and they may think that their suffering is gone, but they never think about what will happen to their loved ones. What will they go through.
So please, if you are going through depression or suffering from anything, contact a hotline or talk to someone you trust. If it's an adult, well and good. But please let your heart out ♥️ there are always people who love you.
Also, thanks for reading and voting! (I say that every day but I really mean it 😭♥️)
Stay strong and healthy everyone :)
Fighting! ✊❤️