Let Me Protect You (GirlxGirl)

♤Chapter 48

It's long and there are typos,  I'm not that sorry about it tho.😝✌😚...

*Gerri's P.O.V*

She slept next to me and for some reason it felt like it always did whenever she stayed over. It felt like I never ghosted in the first place, it felt like I'd only ever been there, with her.

I tried to think, but I could o ly get as far as waking up in the nurses office, then being in bed telling her I love her too. Everything in the middle is blank but i k iw it's missing, experience says so.

I didn't magically evaporate from point A to point B. Back when I didn't know any better I never thought about the holes in my memory, I never considered that they could be bad for me, I just have a bad day and when I wake up it's all gone. But its triggering not being able to remember giant peices of your life, because then you can't share and it feels like you might as well have not lived it.

I know it happened, but the file in my brain in corrupted and I just can't open it.

Anyway my point, I know I got here somewhere, and I know I clocked out I just don't know how- why.

Sometimes it happens like that, when it gets really intense I my brain pushes me out of own head, and gets rid of anything it recorded. It just purges it like poison to...I dont know, protect me? At least that's what Katari says.

I roll out of the bed and push myself to my bathroom where I climb inside of the shower. I don't bother removing my pajamas, I don't care if they get wet. I flip on the shower to cold and sit under the menacing spray of ice water.

It hits hard against me and It hurts, like it needs to.

I don't know what I did, but whatever it was, I know I need to be punished for it.

I start to rock back and forth as a reflex to the chilling water. It's hard like rocks falling down on me and I shiver ignoring the freezing pain as best as I cloud.  I squeezed my eyes shut as the air became thin about me. My breath because shallow and laborious like I was losing air rather than gaining it.

My hair clung to my face, as the water rained down on me from above. I backed myself I to a corner and balled up there where I rocked and forced my mind to open. Sometimes it works, sometime I end up just going into the grey area again.

My dad told me before he died, that weakness lies with ones we love and I don't think he's ever told me anything so raw and honest before. I can never forget his words but I have forgotten major key point people have told me about. The beatings, the yelling, and the alcohol.

I like to think that social works are lying but when I was taken into state custody, pictures of my prepubescent body say otherwise.

No one knows how its alarming to have triggers you don't know about. How your scared of a slamming door, dropping books  or breaking glass but you don't know why. And you can suddenly think is I need to hide, and if I don't I'm going to be hurt.

I start to get stiff and my hands and feet start to go painfully numb as the water beats down on me.

Without a second thought I flip the temperature to the hottest setting and bite my tongue to hold in the shock that passes though my body once again. I can feel the scolding water threatening me for being so week as it progressively gets hotter and hotter.

This time the shaking starts not because of temperature controls but because of adrenaline running through me expecting me to save myself, but I haven't been able to that in a while.