suicide hotline / phan

36

okay so i personally think this chapter is very very bad and uneventful, but it's pretty fun ig and happier than many of them. so yeah.

*DAN'S POV*

I've been here for two days, and I finally have to go for a counselling session.

It's definitely not as bad as I'd expected, besides the food being shit and the bed being uncomfortable.

And, of course, the lack of Phil.

According to the workers here, he can visit as soon as I start to 'co-operate with the treatment'. I was supposed to go for a session yesterday, and the day before, but both times I'd refuse, letting my worry getting the better of me.

I've always never been one to open up, especially to people I don't know, so a counselling session isn't really something I'm looking forward to.

But, of course, I want to see Phil.

So I'm going.

I tug on the sleeves of my shirt, running my hand along the bandage I still have to wear. The pain isn't as bad anymore- it's bearable at the least. A perk of a mental hospital is that almost everyone has scars, so it's a little easier to show them without having full on meltdown.

It feels nice.

"Dan, it's time for your session" A worker says, entering my room and smiling.

I stand from the bed, feeling my hands begin to shake and I force them into my pockets. I follow the worker through a few corridors before finally reaching a small room, only filled with three chairs and a small table. It actually looks quite cosy. I take a seat in a chair, shutting the door behind me and facing the woman opposite. She has short blonde hair, dark blue eyes and her face is slighlty wrinkled. I relax slightly, the warmth radiating off of her helping me to calm down.

She starts off by asking me why I'm here, what the problem is, how someone found out... it's all pretty simple. And then she asks the one thing I had hoped she wouldn't ask.

"Why did you feel like you had to end your life, Dan?" She says sadly, her hands in her lap.

I swallow, taking a deep breath and thinking it over in my head. I try to remember what I'd thought that day, why I did it, what lead up to it.

"Nothing every stayed good for a long time" I say quietly, not confident in sharing my feelings but knowing I have to. "Every time things started to get better, they'd plummet again. I couldn't get what those boys said to me out of my head, I started to believe every word of it. I kinda thought I was useless, you know, like unwanted"

I twiddle my thumbs awkwardly, trying not to sound too depressing. She nods slowly, watching me as if she understands every word.

"Why did you think that? Did you not realise how much your boyfriend cared for you?"

"I- I knew he loved me, but I thought he'd be better off without me. I just kept hurting him, it wasn't fair"

"But didn't he give an organ to save your life?"

"Yes"

"Then I personally think he disagrees"

"I know he disagrees"

"Then why don't you believe it?"

I look up at her, my face falling. She's right. Phil tells me over and over that he couldn't live without me, that he wants me, so why don't I believe it? Could he really be lying if he gave an organ to keep me alive?

She smiles slightly, seeing that I understand her point.

"See, Dan, you are wanted" She says, raising an eyebrow. "You just haven't seen that yet"

I nod slowly, a part of me knowing she's right but another part fighting to contradict her.

"But I don't have any other friends, only Phil" I say, sitting up slightly.

"Haven't you been speaking to the other boy your age in here, Jax?" She asks, and I shrug.

"We never used to be friends, he was one of the bullies actually"

"But you've forgiven him?"

"I don't know yet"

"Well, why don't you try and speak to him more? You could become friends" She suggests, and I actually like the sound of that idea.

Me and Jax had been speaking on and off for the past couple of days. It was only ever a breif 'hey, how are you?' and a 'yea, i'm alright thanks' but surprisingly, we did seem to get along well. We'd both laugh at the same jokes made by other patients at mealtimes, we'd both enjoy the same activities, and for once in my life I don't feel like he wants to rip my throat out. In fact, it feels good to know he didn't mean what he said. Like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Like maybe I'm not such a bad person. After all, if the insults were empty, do they have any meaning at all? Maybe not. Maybe.

"Yeah" I say, making an attempt to smile back at her. "I'll try"

We talk for a little while longer until the hour runs out, and I leave the room, making my way back to my own. I had never expected a session to go that well, I'd always thought opening up would be terrifying, but, in fact, it was quite a releif to get some stuff out of my head. I decide that I'll go to the next session, that I won't fight it this time. I turn the last corridor to get to my room, and I'm stopped by a familiar voice.

"Hey" Jax says from behind me, and I turn to see him akwardly smiling.

"Hey" I say back, thinking through all of the possible awkward responses I could give. "H- how are you?"

"Fine" He says, clearly as socially awkward as me.

It's genuinely shocking to see someone so confident act so incapable of conversation, but in a way it's comforting.

"I- I was just gonna go play some video games, if you wanna, like, come with me?" He says, his hands in his pockets.

"I- sure" I say, raising my eyebrows in surprise.

I would have never thought I'd end up playing video games with Jax Lawson, but here I am, on a couch, raging at a game of Mario Kart because he beat me.

"Oh my God, for fUCKS SAKE!" I yell, throwing my head into my hands.

"Language, Daniel!" A worker warns me, and I groan, turning to Jax.

"I genuinely cannot believe this" I say, tutting. "I've never lost a single game of Mario Kart in my life"

"Yeah, right" Jax laughs. "As if I believe that with the way you're holding that remote"

I laugh with him, remembering how I'd dropped it twice for literally no apparent reason. It appears my grip is absoloutely awful. Eventually, we stop laughing, and he turns to face me.

"You know, Dan, I really am sorry" He says, the mood becoming slightly more serious. "I really didn't mean any of the things I said, you're actually pretty fun"

I smile, accepting his apology.

"Only pretty?!" I scoff, turning away.

He laughs, and I laugh back.

And, for once, my mind is quiet.

-

opinionsss?

i feel like dan is becoming more lighthearted than he has been previously, because he's finally starting to accept that he might be worth it yknow. so yea, that's why he's becoming more lighthearted i think lol