suicide hotline / phan

5

Warning: This chapter is shitty but so am I. Here you go!

It's midday and Dan's already had enough. This morning he was feeling okay, but his mood had gone from 0-100 in literally a few minutes. Phil had offered him some lunch but he had declined; he didn't want to eat. He didn't deserve it, and he's too fat anyway. He was surprised how Phil just shrugged it off and didn't force him to eat, but of course he didn't question it. Phil had been following him like a shadow all day, and although Dan definitely craves his company, it also meant he had no chance to smoke or do anything 'inappropriate'. He's beginning to go mad, his hand tapping rapidly on the table and his breathing accelerating. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he was in a better state of mind, but he's feeling shit enough already- he doesn't need withdrawal symptoms added to the list of stuff he has to put up with. Phil raises an eyebrow at his fidgeting hand, looking Dan in the eyes.

"Are you okay?" He asks, placing his hand over Dan's to steady it. Dan's heart leaps at the contact, his pulse accelerating more. 

"I'm fine" Dan lies, not wanting to worry Phil after all he was doing for him. "Just... withdrawal symptoms, I guess"

Phil thinks for a second, he seems to be figuring something out inside of his head. He squeezes Dan's hand reassuringly.

"It'll be okay, you can do this" He says. "Just keep fighting". Dan wishes he could, but he's always been a failure. Not just at the big things, but small too, like how to interact with people on a daily basis. There is no use for him on Earth, he is just a fuck up. He shakes his head.

"I cant" He breathes. "I'm sorry Phil, but I just think this is going to end in a very bad way, and we both know that". Phil's face falls, his eyes filling with worry and sadness- even sympathy for Dan.

"No" He simply says. "I won't let that happen". He takes a deep breath and pulls Dan in for a hug, which he gladly accepts. He leans in to Phil's lean body, breathing in his calming scent of coffee and a hint of cologne.

He wishes that he can promise Phil that he'll be okay, that there's nothing to worry about, but he can't do that. He knows himself that he acts very impulsively, if he wants to die he'll do it with barely any hesitation. It's taking everything in him right now to stay strong and make it through the night, and Phil is the only reason he's trying. It would be so much easier to fall than to fight, but for Phil's sake, and Phil's sake only, he knows that he can't give up. Yet, anyway. They pull apart after a minute.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this" Phil mumbles. "I really am"

Dan shakes his head.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It isn't your fault" He says, standing up. Phil rises with him, desperate to not leave Dan alone for too long.

"I'm just going to the bathroom" Dan says, faking a smile. "It's okay"

Phil smiles back briefly and hesitates before sitting back down. Dan walks out of the room. Of course he isn't just going to the bathroom. He rushes to his room, trying to be as quick as possible, and gets out a cigarette as he usually does, taking his usual spot at the window. He quickly lights it and is done within two minutes, throwing the remains out of the window and heading back. He feels guilty for lying to Phil, he really does, but he just couldn't go as far as giving up smoking. Not while trying to deal with everything else. He smiles as he walks back into the living room, hoping that one day they'll be a chance of a miracle and he'll get better, so that he can make Phil proud.

***

It's late at night and Dan and Phil are both sitting on the sofa, watching Buffy again. Today's been a pretty uneventful day- Dan had to call his mother and make some arrangements which ended in him crying into Phil's arms, but he was okay. He survived.

"Hey, Dan?" Phil says, catching his attention and breaking him from his daydream.

"Yeah?"

"Ignore what your mum said, okay?" He says, shuffling closer.

His mother had told him that he would be doing everyone a favour by killing himself, and that he had not only failed at doing that but he'd also failed at being a son. Dan took every word for the truth; he knew that she was right and he wasn't going to try and argue it.

"I will" He lies, looking into Phil's eyes and appreciating just how beautiful they really are. He smiles briefly and looks away, again wanting to kiss Phil achingly bad but knowing it could backfire terribly. He just watches the TV, his whole body tingling with electricity from the slight contact of their bear legs brushing together. Before he knows it an hour has passed, taking the time up to eleven pm.

"We should probably go to sleep" Phil yawns. "I'm pretty tired, and you need the sleep". He smiles tiredly, making Dan's heart flutter as he nods in agreement. He dreads having to sleep alone again tonight, knowing that he second he leaves Phil everything will come crawling back to haunt him, making it impossible for anything to take his mind away and pretend like this isn't happening. Phil sees the worry in his eyes, knowing from last night that he probably isn't fit to sleep alone.

"Do you want to sleep with me?" He asks, blushing after he realises what he just said. "Like, not in that way though"

Dan chuckles nervously, his face turning red as he thinks to himself that he would actually quite like to accept Phil's offer.

"Yes please" He smiles, getting up and walking to Phil's room.

"I can go get dressed in the bathroom if you like" Phil says as they enter his room, their pyjamas lain across the bed.

"No, it's okay" Dan says, taking off his shirt already.

Phil can't help but stare at how beautiful Dan is. He's only been wearing long sleeves while they've been together, and Phil can't help but notice just how attractive he is.. He has the perfect figure, slightly tanned skin. His eyes trail down to his arms, and his eyes fill with sadness as he sees the scars Dan had talked about. They are bad. Very bad. Lines and scratches up his whole arms, some deeper than others. It's now that Phil fully understands just how much Dan is going through, and it breaks his heart into a thousand pieces. He slowly walks forwards towards Dan, putting his hands gently onto his shoulders. Dan looks into his eyes, and Phil sees just how pained they looked behind the hypnotising colour. He gently caresses the scars trailing down his arms, silently breathing as Phil takes it all in, feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness for the boy in front of him. They look back into each others eyes, Dan's mouth slightly open and his eyes filled with sadness.

"I-" Dan begins, but Phil places a finger over his lips.

"Shh" He whispers, and then leans in, kissing him.

Dan accepts the kiss, returning it and deepening it. Their lips move in sync as if they're made for each other, and as their heart races quicken so does the kiss, only becoming deeper and more passionate. Dan loves the feeling of Phil's lips against his, putting his hand on the back of Phil's head to pull him closer.

Eventually they break apart, breathing heavily. Dan stares into Phil's glistening eyes, feeling somehow happier than he had in a while.

"Nothing can hurt you unless you let it" Phil says, trying to steady his breathing. "And I'm not going to let you"