suicide hotline / phan

32

hello kids, i'm so sorry about my lack of updating lmao, but i promise that when i do update, if it's been a while i'll update with a super long chapter aha. this chapter is rly long so yeah, i guess that's good. again, feedback is really appreciated! ily!!

*PHIL'S POV*

"We have to tell him, Mr. Lester" a doctor says, breaking me from my thoughts.

"No" I simply argue back yet again, my arms hugging my chest in a protective manor.

This was the part I'd been dreading ever since Dan had woken, and I've been putting it off as much as possible, convincing myself it isn't necessary.

I have to tell Dan who the donor was.

I know that what I did was the right thing, of course, but I also knows that Dan won't think the same. He's going to be mad, and that's something I'm definitely not prepared for. I remember the last time Dan had an outburst- how the force of the drawer had made the room shake, how the fire in his eyes had burnt mine, how the knife against his arm had frozen my veins. To experience that again, especially after everything that's happened... it'd be terrifying. What if he tried to hurt himself again? What if he tried to hurt ME? Surely he wouldn't, right? Even if he did, it wouldn't matter; I know that I can handle it, and it's not his fault. He could hurt me over and over and still I'd love him, the fact it hurts him just as much as it hurts me says it all. Yet, still, I can't stop the growing determination to stop the doctors from telling Dan the truth.

Ever since Dan's sobbing had subsided, he had sat silently in his hospital bed with empty, glazed eyes, not a single word since his choked apology. It'd been hard to watch him so quiet, so pained, but I figured it was better than any other possible outcome. I had eventually been forced to leave so that I could have more checks, and so that Dan could be told in private about the transplant. They figured it'd be best to discuss the complicated stuff with him when I wasn't there- when he had no distraction. I had begged for them not to give him the identity of the donor, for it to stay anonymous, but deep down I know that isn't possible, that they'd have to tell Dan what I did.

And deep down, I just know that Dan is not going to be as happy as I am about the decision.

"Daniel already knows about the transplant, he knows what's happened, but he legally needs to know who the donor was, Mr. Lester" The doctor says, staring into my eyes with an irritated impatience.

The words seep through my mind, refusing to process. I know they have to tell him, of course they'd have to. I don't even know why I thought they wouldn't have to. I shake my head in annoyance, taking a shaky breath. The lack of control is frustrating, and I just want to be able to take Dan home and for everything to be okay- for him to not know about the donor, for him to not be mad, for him to just be happy. The fact that these people have more control over my boyfriend than I do makes me want to scream, and I just want to make it all stop, to be able to protect him once again.

Not that I'd done a good job of that in the first place.

I try to grasp for any other option, anything that could make things better. Anything less likely to break him more.

"I'll tell him" I sigh, forcing the words from his mouth before he can stop himself. "I'll tell him, but please let it be me"

The doctor raises his eyebrows and turns back towards Dan's hospital room, only stopping for a second.

"He'll be out in around twenty minutes, until then you need to go back to your room for some more checks" He says, before re-entering the room.

I sigh in relief and lean against the wall, shutting my eyes.