I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 49

  The karaoke place is not so crowded which is perfect. I'm the first to arrive in my group, but there's a gang formed by three girls and three boys whispering near the bar. The barman is cute. Brown hair, David Beckham haircut, dark eyes, long lashes, tanned. He's flirting with one of the girls, the one with the red dress, touching her arm and winking at her. Cute, but not my style.

A barmaid pops out from under the counter with the cups they use to make drinks, the "shake-shake" ones. Wow, I need to learn more alcohol terms.

I wonder if my sundress makes me look young. I like looking young, I have always looked young, but maybe being at a bar with a flowy yellow dress makes me look out of place?

Julia did my hair in a way that prevents it from becoming too poofy, and I'm wearing a sports bra that covers the little bumps of fat I have on my back. I know I shouldn't think about that ─ I never used to think about that ─ but, ever since the Shrek incident, I can't fully get the comparison out of my head.

"Who's ready to get this party started?" sings someone behind me, hugging me from over my shoulders. If it weren't for her voice, I'd still recognize Sabrina by her coconut perfume and the bling sound her bracelets make every time she moves her right wrist.

"I am!" someone answers back, equally excited. Alex. I know it's Alex because Fannar would have sounded even more excited than Sabrina.

I spin around in Sabrina's arm, still hugging me. Alex is wearing a washed-out purple tie-dye t-shirt with white jeans. Sabrina is wearing a black off-the-shoulder crop-top and emerald skinny jeans, her hair high up in a long ponytail.

"It's not a bachelorette party!" I remind her. "You're dressed for, like, the Oscars!"

"I know. But it's the only cool outfit I have that I haven't worn yet. And... It's all made in the US." She considers her sentence. "Okay, my nail polish is probably made in China, but besides that!"

Alex and I look at each other and smile. Ah! Sabrina and her hopeful way of seeing the world. I love how she never gives up on doing what's best for the environment and never takes no for an answer. I might be a dreamer, but she's the one who does something with her dreams.

"I'm here!" someone calls behind us.

I don't spin to meet Fannar's eyes right away. I need time to process my feelings. What my entire body is feeling. I never knew I could be this happy simply by listening to someone's voice. It's like my entire body is a volcano and it's erupting and the lava is melting away all my problems, and everything is right in the world.

Fannar.

Fannar is here. Fannar with his sweet smile and great laugh and amazing listening skills.

I look at Alex who's doing a sideways hug with him. I was never truly in love with him, I think. I was in love with the idea of him. But Fannar... Fannar makes me want to fly. Fannar makes me believe I can do whatever I want. Being with Fannar feels like flying. And my mind is all blurry and dizzy and my heart is skipping one beat out of two and my lungs are choking and─

"Hi, Ella-Mae!" I turn around and smile before I even see him completely. "Ready to hear me sing?"

And I'm beaming. I'm beaming and I don't know why. He just makes me so, so happy. How can someone make you so happy yet make you feel so miserable at the same time?

He is not mine.

"Always ready," I say.

Sabrina and Alex smile at each other the way my sisters and I do when we know something no one else knows.