I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 42

 Alex is looking at me. Even though he's wearing blue mirror aviator sunglasses, I know he's looking at me in the eye. He always looks at people in their eyes. I look at his body. Just for a second. Just enough time to notice he's shirtless, and his bathing suit has printed seashells and crabs all over it. Back to his face. He's grinning, dimples and all. He really is beautiful. Really.

I use my hand to cover my eyes from the blinding sun ─ stupid me who forgot to bring my sunglasses ─ and still squint. I'm wearing a large white shirt and baggy yellow shorts. I'm comfortable, but uncomfortable at the same time.

I want Fannar next to me. I want his caring smile. And his laugh. And his point of view on life.

"What's up?" I ask, placing one hand on my hip.

"Fannar told me... About you. Well, you're not a 'you' anymore." I breathe in harshly.

"Oh yeah." I try to sound all matter-of-factly. Like it's no big deal. Maybe I should have sounded sad, so Alex would have told it to Fannar and─ Ugh! This is the kind of thing I would have asked Fannar, he would tell me what to do. What should I do, Fannar? I imagine him taking my hand. Just be yourself. I smile. "Is he okay?"

"Fannar? Yeah, he is." He looks shocked, like he wasn't expecting me asking this kind of question. "What about you?"

"I could be better."

"A break-up is hard, but Fannar told me you're on good terms. May I ask why you broke-up?"

Why did we break-up? Because people told us to? Because that was the plan? Because I like Alex?

"It was a mutual decision." I'm not lying. Technically. Even though I'm not really answering his question. "It's fine, really."

"So why did you say you could do better?"

"Because I could. I mean..." I use my hand as a fan. "It's so hot. And my sister is stressing me out with the bachelorette party we forgot to through, and then Sabrina needs me to shoot one last scene for the─" I trail off. Alex doesn't seem interested in what I'm saying. It's like a bullet to my heart, like someone is choking me and I'm choking and choking and I can't breathe. Alex and I used to be able to talk about everything. And I never, ever, questioned whether or not I was annoying him, boring him. And now... And now I don't recognize us, what we had. Did we ever have anything? Was it all in my head? "Why are you asking?"

"I wanted to check up on you. Make sure you were okay. A break-up is hard."

I shrug. "Yeah, well, it doesn't feel like a break-up. It's more like... like... like two people just realized they were better off as friends." I look at him deep into his eyes.

"Oh, cool. I gather it means it won't be weird between you guys? I wouldn't want it to be awkward."

I shake my head way too many times, but it's my only way to assure him ─ assure me ─ that it won't.

"Oh, it won't. It will be fine."

Alex lets out a sigh of relief. "Thank God." And then, he runs a hand in his hair. "Look, Em, I know it's not the right time to ask you this, but Fannar made me promise to ask so, well..." He looks around, his eyes stopping a few seconds on a group of girls walking by. A girl turns around to look at Alex a few more moments. She smiles and lowers her eyes. "Gosh, it was really weird when he asked because you guys just broke-up, but─"

I don't listen to what he says next. I know what he'll say. What he'll ask. He is going to ask me on a date. And I don't want to. I can't. But I owe it to my younger self. I owe my past self a date with Alex. I owe my present self not to go. I can't go. I can't─