I Do Until I Don't

Chapter 40

Ok, it's not because I decided I wanted to break-up with Fannar that I can't feel hurt by Skylar's statement. Why did Fannar decide to break-up with me? Did he just say that to make her back-off? Or maybe he does want to break-up with me. Maybe he thinks I'm an ogre, too, and he can't stand the sight of me. No, that can't be. Fannar accepts me, he likes me. He looks at me like I'm a Disney princess.

I decide to join their conversation. I flatten out my short white sundress, tug in a lock of hair behind my hair and cross the distance between them and me.

"Hey guys," I say, waving my arm in the air.

Fanar turns around and his smile could have melted Elsa's entire ice castle in Frozen.

"Oh, hey!"

"Hi," Skylar says with a small, pinched grin. "Fannar told me you were out for the day."

"We finished early."

"We?"

"My sisters. Melanie ─ the oldest ─ is getting married and we had a dress tryout."

Fannar's eyes light up. "So what did you choose?" I take my phone from the back pocket of my shorts and show him the picture of the dress we chose. "Nice," he says.

"Yeah," Skylar says without even having looked at my phone. She's looking at Fannar.

I'm not exactly mad at her. I know she's in love with him, but I thought she didn't hate me. I thought she would back off.

Back off from what, exactly? I'm not really dating Fannar. And he wants to break-up with me anyways, as I wanted ─ want. Then why do I feel so uncomfortable thinking about her kissing him? Why don't I want that? Is my kinda-crush for him only just a kinda-crush?

Or is it more?

"Ummm, Fannar?" Skylar calls out. "Weren't you supposed to tell Ella something?"

Fannar blinks. "What? Oh yeah." He looks at me and smiles. "Maybe some other time."

I feel like I just lost an enormous weight off my shoulders.

"Hm." Skylar points the boardwalk. "Well, I'm going for a walk." She puts her hand on Fannar's arm again. "It was nice talking to you." She lowers her voice. "The sooner you tell her, the better."

Fannar nods, and Skylar leaves us alone.

"Sorry about that," Fannar says.

The wind is blowing a light, cool breeze that messes his hair, and his Carabian-style shirt flows in the wind, too.

"What? Sorry about what?"

He shrugs. "Just... her. Skylar has a good heart, really, but she can sometimes be a little..." He doesn't finish his sentence, but I know what he means.

"I heard you talking about her about breaking up with me," I admit.

Fannar doesn't even try to cover it up, he only rubs the back of his neck before agreeing with me. "Yeah. I mean... it's been a month. If you want to have time with Alex, it has to be now."

Parts of me wants to shout that I don't want to be with Alex anymore, that I want... I want... I want to be with him. I want to drink milkshakes every night and laugh and hold his hand. For real, not for pretend. I want him to look at me the way everyone says he does and not wonder if he's pretending or not. I want to taste his lips and feel his hands on my back and listen to his laugh. I want...

"I think it's the right thing to do," Fannar continues.

I want us to be real.

"Are you sure?" I know I should tell him I don't think it's the right thing to do. But maybe it is. He can be with Skylar if he wishes to, and I owe past Ella-Mae a date with Alex. I mean, I didn't lose my sleep for two years for nothing.

"I'm sure." His eyes don't seem sure.

"Really?"

"Really."

I want to stuff my hands in my pockets but, unfortunately, not all dresses have pockets. I move my hands and try to find a comfortable position. I end up planting them on my hips. The wind blows in my face. I feel like Pocahontas. I feel like my John Smith is returning to London and there is nothing I can do to stop him. Unless...

"I don't want to break-up," I say, only it comes out as "Okay."

Fannar nods.

"No, wait!" I grab his arm, his strong, tanned arm. "Are sure it will work? Maybe it won't work, Alex and I. Then what?"

Fannar looks at me with kind eyes. Don't look away. Don't look away. "Then you'll have closure." Don't look away. Don't look aw─ He looks away.

"You have beautiful eyes," I blur out. Half because it's the truth and half because it's the only way I find to make him look at me again.

His eyes meet mine. He smiles. "You too."

I let out the begging on a laugh. "I didn't say it to have a compliment."

"Then why did you say it?"

"Because it's the truth."

"And I said the same for the same reason."

"My eyes are brown."

"Your eyes are brown," he echoes.

"They are boring."

"Brown is not boring."

I look into his bluish-greyish eyes.

"More boring than─"

Fannar shakes his head. "We're not arguing over this. I think your eyes are beautiful." He closes his mouth abruptly like he was about to say something else and then stopped. "So..." He balances from the tip of his toes to his heels. "We break-up?"

I feel my throat throb. No, no, no. Stay with me.

"I'm not sure," I admit. "I'm not sure I still want to do this. The dating Alex thing."

"What? Of course, you do! You're just shy."

I look like an ogre in Alex's eyes. I look like a Disney princess in Fannar's.

"I don't think that's it."

"It's been a while since you talked to him, that's all."

Maybe he is right. Or maybe... Maybe Fannar knows I like him and it's his way of telling me he doesn't.

I cave in. "Will we at least go out for milkshakes?"

Fannar considers it. "No, not at first. It'll be too suspicious."

"But I─ I like milkshakes."

"Me too."

I sigh. "Okay, fine. Let's break up."

I hand out my hand. Fannar shakes it, sending a pulse of electricity from my fingers all the way to my toes and my ears.

"I guess I'll see you around," I whisper.

"Yeah..."

Fannar leaves before I do. Fannar leaves before I have the chance to tell him to stay.

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