His Broken Mate

Chapter 27

Elaina's POV

Things definitely aren't perfect, but both Xavier and I have been making progress in communicating with each other and following Dr. Ellison's suggestions. Each week she and I come up with a goal for me, and they depend on what I seem to need most that week. Both Xavier and I have been practicing a lot of positive self talk and trying not to engage in negative self talk, and while it doesn't necessarily feel true yet I do find myself feeling a little lighter these days. We both try keeping each other accountable, and improving our mate bond to aid in our healing. It's been months since we started seeing Dr. Ellison and I think it's going alright. I'm not exactly happy and I still have panic attacks and am affected by trauma on the daily but talking everything out definitely helps a bit.

Not long after we started seeing her I was started in some meds to help with night terrors and stabilize my mood so I don't reach such intense peaks of fear or depression. The first ones I tried didn't work but she says it's all part of the process of trial and error. The ones I'm on now seem to be working, so I've been getting better sleep and not sinking to the deepest lows I used to. It's hard to want to be alive and keep trudging forward through all of my pain, but I've been more hopeful lately.

Xavier is definitely in a better place. After talking through his traumatic experience with his parents, Dr. Ellison and I have both been helping ease his fears and let go of some things he was holding on to. He doesn't get so terrified of not being with me, so I can have alone time or outings with Cat and Kaeden without him, though more often than not I find myself wanting him to join anyway. While it's not perfect, there's a lot less insecurity in our relationship and I'm more comfortable around him. I've still held off on getting physical, since whenever it seems like we're about to kiss, I start having awful flashbacks and seeing images of my rapists.
In those situations I usually start crying or panicking, which makes Xavier feel bad and apologize, which makes me feel guilty, and the whole thing just spirals from there.

Kisses on the cheek, head, hugs, and cuddling is typically the most we do but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more. Now that he isn't (usually) being scary and controlling, his lips look more tempting than ever and my shy, tentative love for him has grown quite a bit.

His office has been fully repaired for a while, with a comfy reading area for me while he's busy. I still love the library, so he'll tag along and work there sometimes. We're getting to a better place in our relationship, and I don't really think about running away so often. I still feel kind of awkward with everything but at least I'm not so scared.

Now I can even spend time with Cat and Kaeden without being distracted by my painful feelings. I know this is only the beginning of my recovery, and there's still so much to improve, but Dr. Ellison says that as long as I want to get better and put in the work, I will. Not gonna lie though, I still feel hopeless sometimes or like giving up but more often than not I can reframe my thoughts or call Dr. Ellison for some guidance.

Since I'm not really in crisis mode anymore, the focus has switched to my diet and training. I've been slowly increasing the amount I eat and working through my body dysmorphia and eating disorder urges, even though it can feel impossible sometimes. In fact, today is the first day of training. I'm still not comfortable around a lot of people, so it's just gonna be Xavier, Cat, Kaeden and I. I already feel embarrassed for being so far behind them but I know they'll be here to support me... anyway I should stop reminiscing and get out of the shower.

I shut off the water, towel off and put on some exercise clothes: light grey shorts, a sports bra and a black tank top. I exit the bathroom and tie up my hair while standing in front of the bed. I remember what Dr. Ellison said about what to do in stressful situations and take a deep breath. I close my eyes and focus on trying to give myself some positive self talk. "It's going to be okay, you're going to get in some training today and you're going to do great. You don't have to be perfect, just try your best." I mumble to myself.