His Broken Mate

Chapter 26

Elaina's POV

"So, what exactly has been going on with you two?" Dr. Ellison asks. I stay silent with my eyes glued on my lap. Xavier's arm weighs on my shoulders, sending chills down my spine. I tear at my cuticles and my legs are restless, bouncing up and down.

If I did look up, I would see a quaint office with a couple love seats and Dr. Ellison's desk. There are slightly crooked watercolor paintings and inspirational quotes on the walls, and a bookshelf along the wall with books all about different emotional problems. Pictures of her family adorn her desk, along with a few piles of paper, a mug, and a laptop. I imagine what it's like to have to talk to people like me and then go home to your kids and I'm suddenly very aware of how horrible I'm probably going to make her job. I swallow the urge to apologize and stay still, staring at my bleeding nail bed.

"Um ... well ... a lot of stuff has happened to me so I'm always really depressed and jumpy. I'm always scared of Xavier and I feel really bad because I know he's trying but also he gets really angry, possessive, or panicked and we're both just not doing well, basically," I explain, fumbling over my words.

Dr. Ellison takes a thoughtful pause. "I think we should rewind a bit. Elaina, do you think you could tell us some of what you've been through? I think it could help us get to the root of these feelings."

I take a deep breath and nod, already feeling my chest tighten. "Okay. Um, but Xavier, p-please don't be mad at what I say." He nods, already looking preemptively tense. I'm hoping he keeps his promise when I get to some of the ... physical stuff that happened. I take a deep breath and slowly zone out while revealing my past to a stranger. "Um, basically my mom d-died when I was five and everyone blamed me so my dad practically disowned me. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, and they never let me grieve for her. Most of the abuse came from my father and brother, b-but the whole pack joined in. They pretty much made me their slave and p-punching bag."

I take a shuddery breath and try to calm my racing heart. I feel a couple tears slip out just from thinking of my past. I swallow a lump in my throat and continue.

"The first time I was r-raped, I was nine. It happened a lot, mostly by my dad and some of his friends. He only did it when he was drunk and he always thought of my mom, but he and his friends just did it to show that they were stronger than me. I, um, I have nightmares and night terrors about a lot of the stuff that has happened, or about my fears for the future. I feel scared all the time and have panic attacks pretty often, especially at displays of anger. I also ... I hate myself so badly.

"I'll look in a mirror and just see pure ugliness. Something so disgusting I can't bare to look at myself. I hate literally everything about myself, not just my body. I deserve everything that's happened to me. I hate how skeletal I look but when I gain weight I freak out and feel like a whale. I-I can't really eat, and I cut myself sometimes, and h-honestly if I could die right now I would. I've felt so numb with pain for so long I don't even really know who I am or what I should do. I feel like I'm just dead inside and waiting for my body to catch up with me." Xavier's hand squeezes mine, and I can tell he's upset. I clear my aching throat. Honestly I didn't think I was going to say everything right away, it all just came spilling out.

"So overall, I always feel very depressed and anxious, and am tired all the time. It's hard for me to eat, I struggle with self harm, and I have really bad suicidal urges." I sniffle lifelessly. I feel so hopeless saying this all out loud. I feel almost numb as I stare unblinkingly at the wall past Dr. Ellison. I can tell she's shaken by what she hears because she looks at me so sadly.

"I'm so sorry about what you've gone through. Fortunately you're not the first person to feel the way you do or go through such atrocities. Many people have been in your situation and found ways to feel better. You're obviously very strong to have gone through all this without going crazy. All you have to do is bring that same strength to your recovery and you'll be well on your way to feeling better." It makes me feel better to know that she's had previous experience with people who've gone through similar things to me. I sniffle again and blink, feeling a little less dead.