Hard

44 Auden

Sutten and I lie down on the bed with Linc and Jace still outside together. We play with each other's fingers in the air and laugh for no particular reason but I still at ease with her bundled up in a blanket next to me. Liam did a lot of things to me, horrible things, but if I had never gone through it I am not sure I would be the same Auden that Sutten says she loves. We love each other in a way that I have never really felt for a girlfriend before. Caroline and I were close but we never talked the way I talk to Sutten. 

She's nervous about the baby and her whole body is freaking out about giving birth. I would too, pushing a human out of you sure doesn't sound easy. She seems excited along with her mixed emotions of giving birth and then being a mother for the rest of her life. I silently wonder if she thought about not keeping the baby but from how Jace and she are acting, I sincerely doubt it. I am curious as to what I would be like if I was a mother right now. Would I have gone to college and kept the baby or not? These thoughts have always been in the background of my mind but sometimes they make themselves known especially when Sutten is around...

"What do you think they are doing out there?" She asks about Jace and Linc. 

"Talking about their future wedding most likely." Our fingers still play with each other in the air and then she clamps hers over mine leaving my fingers completely trapped with hers. 

"Are you scared of Liam?" She asks with worry and pain in her voice. I know everyone is worried about him, but I think they all focus on me and how I feel more than how they do. "Scared he might hurt you again?" 

I guess I haven't thought about it in a minute about him physically hurting me more than what he could to my mind. His hands have had a hold me emotionally long enough, I don't think I can take it if I give him more to get a hold of. "I don't think I am scared of him, just worried." 

"About?" 

"About what it will take to stop him. I am worried he won't stop until he is dead..." 

She lets our hands fall to the bed and then leans up a little to face me, "Are you worried you will miss him?" 

Am I? I haven't really missed him in the past two years and I didn't miss him when we were together either. "No I don't think so..." I can't say for sure though. 

"Sometimes I think of Carter..." 

"Carter?" 

"High school sweetheart." She clarifies. 

I hadn't thought of even asking her of her past since we always focus on mine, "Good or bad thoughts?" 

"Moderate thoughts, just wonder what he is up to, if he ever wrote that book he wanted to write." Do people do this often? Are we all curious about things that we are no longer in the know of? I never wonder about Liam because I already know what he is thinking and what he wants- he wants what he can no longer have- he wants control of the old Auden. 

"I never wonder about Liam; I wonder about the old Auden." 

Sutten moves in closer to me and begins to cradle my arm and stroke my hair with her free hand, "What was the old Auden like? Before Liam ever entered?" 

I ponder in my head for a second, what was she like? It's been so long since I ever thought of her. She liked One Direction and was a vegan. She lived near the beach and loved to play with the turtles. She hated vegetables and reading. There was one thing she did that I wish I could do more, "She believed and imagined more than anyone she ever met." She seems like such a distant memory, like an old photograph that you don't remember what happened that day, you really just remember the feelings. 

"I think you can still do that; you can still imagine and believe like you use to." 

"Dear Sutten, "I intertwine our fingers back together, "the sun doesn't shine the same way once it has seen the dark side of the moon." 

We don't talk after that for another hour. We just sit and lay down together in silence and hold each other. Her hair gets spread out all over the bed and mine somehow gets tangled in hers. As we hold each other, I realize how unfortunate it is for people who do not meet beautiful people after they suffer deeply. I think the only cure for being truly unhappy is to surround yourself with people who see things differently. Sutten is bubbly and positive about most things, where I am more realistic, but knowing her makes my life much more superbly wonderful. 

Linc and I pack all our things together in our luggage and then check the room for anything we have missed. I have noticed how anal he is when we go away. He packs all his shirts together first, then his pants then his formal wear, then his shoes, then his toiletries, and then his book. Linc always brings books with him and reads. It is usually a classic like War and Peace, but when I look in his bag I see After, how strange, I didn't think guys like those kinds of books. 

"You are reading this?" I say holding up his copy. 

He nods along, a little flushed with embarrassment, "Your copy has a lot of indents in it so I figured it was the one you read a lot." 

"I have, do you like it?" 

He shakes his head yes still having the same look of embarrassment of his face, "If you tell Jace I read a chick book, I will hate you forever." 

"I won't tell him," I say laughing, trying to not make him redder than he already is, "how do you feel about Hardin?" 

"He's an ass, but I like him." 

"Yeah, a lot of people feel that way." 

We walk down to the lobby comparing Hardin to Darcy and how girls always fall in love with the guy who isn't quite mature enough, but changes for her and that's magnificent. I don't know much about Linc before I met him. I know he slept around a bit, but he is a guy in college so that isn't abnormal. I know he use to party more but would leave early if he felt like it. I do not know Linc before Auden, just like he can't know Auden before Liam. Everyone we meet has an effect on us, you just have to decide if it is a positive or negative effect.