Hard

23 Linc

Auden is sincerely quiet tonight. A long day of classes and small talk and the group decided to go to dinner but I can tell that Auden is spaced out. She didn't say anything after coming out of that meeting with her dad but she looks gutted. Smiling and looking at everyone to keep up with the conversation but not into it at all. I know how much her dad affects her but I can't really tell why. She tells me nothing about her personal life, I don't even know what her mom's name is.  I can't even ask her because of her pesky rules that come with the arrangement. My hand gently squeezes her thigh and her eyes meet mine and I know that she is holding back tears as hard as she can. 

"Hey Auden, we should get going early so we can finish up the extra credit early." My eyes beg her to get what I mean instantly so she doesn't confuse the others not that Gabe and Eliot are paying attention they are all over each other. 

She nods along and smiles grabbing her bag and leaving money on the table for her food that she barely touched.  A quick kiss for Gabe and we are on our way. 

The walk back to the dorm is quiet and Auden spaces herself away from me which deeply concerns me. I hate it when she does this to me. One minute we are good and cuddling on a couch in Vermont and the next we are back to college and barely speaking. I want her to speak to me more. I want her to want me more but all that is far too selfish to say out loud. She has more than enough on her own plate. 

When we finally arrive at her dorm, I think for a minute that she will shut the door in my face but she lets me in slowly behind her. "Are you okay?" I ask her as she starts to undress in her closet. 

"Yeah."

"Come on Aud, don't bullshit me please." Her shoulders fall and she turns to face me half-naked. It's a distraction I know that for sure but I will not let her distract me right now. I need more with her. "It is not like we are strangers here. Just let me in." 

She continues to change into her pajamas, small grey shorts, and tight black shirt. I sit on the edge of her bed while she does her hair but I plead with her in my head to answer my question but she just carries on.  "He wants me to talk to him more but I can't." 

"Why not?" I don't have to ask who she is talking about because it is clear. 

"He left me. My mom got pregnant in high school and he said he would be there but he left the second he got an acceptance letter to Cambridge."

I don't really know what to say other than try and comfort her. "I am sorry." 

"I saw him off and on a little when I was younger but not much. How can I move on from that?" 

I don't know is the honest answer. I have never had to deal with any of this. My dad and mom fell in love and then had me. They got married a year later and then had a house handed to them from my grandparents. I never had to deal with the pain that she has dealt with. My heart hurts for the little girl wondering why she doesn't have a dad as the other kids do. "The truthful answer is if you want to move on from all the anger that you have, I think you should try and reach out but if you can't move on then tell him." 

"His wedding is coming up." She whispers. 

I grab her arm and pull her closer to me. Moving the hair away from her face, I place a soft kiss on her cheek and a pinch of happiness awakes my inner child that always wanted to have this cliche moment with a girl. I seem to be having a lot of the cliche couple moments with her recently but I wouldn't trade them for anything.  "I'll go with you if you want."

"If I go, then I would love to have your company."

Her head rests on my shoulder and I think that if she was more vulnerable with people she would let herself cry with me but alas she just invites me to bed. I succumb to her invitation and climb under the covers with her. I fall asleep with her in my arms and sincerely at ease with her. 

I jolt awake and feel a pool of my own sweat around me. Auden is nowhere in the room but her shower caddy is missing from the desk. I wish she would have woken me if she was going to leave to take a shower. Sutten is not in her bed and hasn't been judging by the neatness of it. My eyes look for the alarm clock and I see on it on the floor flashing a 5 am in green light. It must have been knocked over at some point when she was leaving to take a shower.  The door is also slightly open so I move off the bed to close it but when I do a barely covered Auden enters. 

"Hey did I wake you?"

"No, but you should have." 

I didn't mean to sound so snippy but I can't help it. Liam could have done something for all I knew. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Her wet hair falls down and I fight myself to ignore how hot she looks right now. I begin to laugh but not because it's funny but because she can't see why I am upset. "What's wrong? Are you serious?" Her eyes squint from confusion and she shrugs her shoulders to answer my question without actually saying anything. "I don't know... maybe because we are acting like a couple without being one. I spend nights with you, I fuck you, I hold you and yet whenever things get real you get scared." She moves away and starts to change back into her pajamas throwing her wet hair into a scrunchie, "or you space yourself away from me physically. What do you want from me, Auden?" 

"I do want you but I told you I can't be there in that way." 

"I am not asking you to but just a little more please." 

"More like how?" 

"More talking. I don't even know your mom's name." 

"Linley." 

I remember reading her file on her laptop that first night I slept here. Auden Linley Tate. "That's different."

"My ancestors owned a flax meadow. It is just a common name for the family. My mom's first name." 

"Favorite color?" 

She rolls her eyes and crosses her legs as she plops herself on her bed. I want to come to her but I am on a roll getting information from her. "Grey." 

Pretty plain color. "Why that one?" 

"It is like life, Not black or white just in the middle." Everything is so poetic with her. "Lincoln, if you want a little more we can do that but it is 5 in the morning can we go to bed?" 

I have so many more questions to ask. What do her parents do for a living? Favorite food? Favorite movie? I want to know the first time she kissed someone and if she liked it as much as kissing me? I want to know everything but I am pushing it as it is right now. "You promise we'll talk more?" 

She doesn't answer just nods along with me. I hope my ranting didn't scare her away because I want her any way that I can have her. I am extremely aware of how dysfunctional my thinking is I promise. 

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Writing Linc is so different from writing Auden but I love it! How are you guys liking their dynamic? 

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