Hard

22 Auden

Laying on my bed in my dorm, I look to the door multiple times while reading my English book to make sure that it is locked. I know it is locked because I locked it when Sutten left, but my nerves keep getting the best of me. Gabe came by as well earlier to check on me about everything going on, including interviewing me about me I thought it was a good idea to ignore him after Liam came by. I politely explained he can't keep track of me every second of every day but I think he just ignored me. I love him very much and I am so happy to have him in my life but sometimes I feel like he is serving a silent penance for what happened to me and that just breaks my heart.

Studying for English is pointless since I have read most of what is in this book already. Canterbury Tales to Lord Byron, I have read it. I spent most of my time reading since Liam never wanted me to go out with people and he thought TV made someone duller than anything else. Sutten's small flat screen sits on top of the dresser and I wonder what is playing. I am free now so I could watch more TV and go out more. I wanna be normal.

I stand up and pick the remote off her dresser and flip on the tv. Friends show up and I remember liking it when I was younger and that night with Gabe and the others so I keep it on.

As Rachel threatens Monica with her sweater, I wonder why Linc hasn't called or texted me. He seemed so into our arrangement during the weekend so for him to be radio silent makes me sad. Perhaps this was all too much too soon for him. I have more baggage than any other girl he has met so far for sure. Liam is a lot to take in especially for me. He is going to ruin everything again for me, isn't he? Take away Linc, Sutten, Jace, and Eliot. He will take everything away from me until all I have is him. I am so grateful for them becoming so welcoming when Gabe and I got here. The thought of them not speaking to me scares me.

I can't let Liam take anything more from me than he already has. I am trying to rebuild my own pathway into life and the first step is admitting that Liam, no matter how much he scares me, cannot take anything more from me.

Before class, Sutten and I go to the store on campus and grab some extra snacks for the dorm. Cliff bars and banana bread for a quick breakfast and some energy drinks for Sutten's addiction tendencies. She talks my ear off about Jace possibly going with her for Winter break to London. Her family spends most breaks in London with her grandmother in her estate. She seems more than thrilled about him meeting her family. I hadn't realized how much love he has for him so quickly. Those two are the vision of what I thought I once had and now realize I most likely will never have.

Her gorgeous skin looks puffy and dark today suggesting that she most likely didn't sleep at his frat house as I thought. She did have enough energy to dress me today though. Her picky attitude with clothes once annoyed me but I should wear things I actually like once in a while. A tightly knitted sweater and a brown velvet skirt paired with creme leggings. She likes dressing me often which I appreciate because it means I can lay in bed longer while she picks the clothes for the day.

We walk arm in arm to the English building and see Jace and Linc standing outside holding coffee cups. Jace sees Sutten and runs quickly to us sweeping her up and spinning her in a circle. He places a small kiss on her neck and she kicks for him to let her down. I look to Linc and he shrugs his shoulders as if saying silently that they are very public with their affections.

I nod in agreement. Sutten pulls me to her and drags me into the English building. Gabe sits with Eliot in our usual space and before I can sit next to him, Linc pulls me to his side. Gabe looks confused by the gesture but I don't know how to tell him that I want to sit closer to Linc today. His eyebrow raises but I beg him to let it go in my head for now. He silently nods in agreement as if to tell me that we will indeed talk about it later. 

Howard begins the class and says that we will push back the test another day as he didn't want to give it until he finishes his grading of the papers we all turned in. I see Sutten playfully wipe her hand across her forehead like she is thrilled. I figured between being with Jace constantly and never actually picking up our English textbook, she didn't have a lot of time to study. Class is filled with a review Howard put together on the student website. Idiotic questions like when was Mary Shelly born? How does Lord Byron die? and, what was the nature of Death by Landscape? I easily pass all the questions quickly leaving the others to beg me to answer theirs so they don't have to turn it in later. I am most definitely the nerd of this whole group but I don't mind it. These people have all become extremely close to me and instrumentally helpful in protecting my sanity. 

When Howard excuses everyone,  Eliot says that we should all go to get coffee really quick and then head to the student resources building for the housing meeting, but before we can leave Howard calls my name and gestures everyone else to leave us alone. I figured he would call for me sooner or later. 

Linc whispers to me that he will wait outside and Howard shakes his hand before he walks out the door. "I like him." He states. 

I sit down at his desk and spin around on his chair. I chose to avoid the statement as I don't really want to lie but telling Howard is also a no go. "I like him too, what do you want?"

"I want to see how you are."

I roll my eyes and spin away from him so that I am facing the opposite direction, "Sure."

I hear him huff a little and then walk over to me so that he can spin forcing me to look at him. His eyes on mine as if he is begging me with his facial expression to believe him. "Liam is not a good person. I should have been there to protect you and teach you about these kinds of guys but I wasn't. But," His eyes begin to water and I refuse to succumb to my pain and cry as well, "But I am here now. I do love you, Auden."

And just like that, all my pain turns into anger with his words. I stand and he straightens his posture to match mine, "Love doesn't exist. People are far too selfish just like you were when you left me."

His face goes blank and I know I just hit him hard mentally but I do not care. And as I walk out of the English building I wonder if I meant what I said. True love seems to be far away from me all the time. If love existed maybe Liam would have just let me go, Howard would not have left my mother when she said she was pregnant, and I could find some way to truly love myself. And since none of those happened or ever could happen, I know that my statement is right.